As I sit in my mum’s garden enjoying this beautiful weather I wonder what to write, I’ve been quiet for a while, due to not feeling great…and that leads to a not so positive post 😉

I have been feeling pretty good for a couple of days now (long may this last). Over the weekend I suffered with what I can only put down to fatigue…wow it hit me hard, I spent most of it in bed sleeping or resting, when I was up I could only manage an hour before needing to sleep again. But sleep can do me no harm as a wise friend says it will help with the healing and make me stronger for my next round, which is looming (only a week away again). Trying hard not to think about it at the moment – just enjoying feeling good and being able to do normalish things. 

Life is short – a saying we say often, but maybe me don’t always digest. Yes life is short but we still, go about life in a whirlwind to get the best job we can, or have that happy ever after, or the best car, up to date mobile phone, designer this and that, rushing here and there. Worrying about what people think etc etc. But life really is too short, and there are many people worse off than me, I have had to stop and take stock, and yes I have too much time on my hands to think, I am so lucky that after chemo I should be able to build my strength back up and get back to my life, loving it …. I have changed there is no doubt that a cancer diagnosis changes you, it makes you feel blessed for every day, and all the special people in your life, but it also makes you realise that sometimes you don’t have to make all the effort, if people want you in their life they will also make that effort, I have some amazing new friends who have kept making a huge effort to stay in touch even when I’ve not returned the effort as I’ve been too ill to – thank you you don’t know how much that’s helped me ❤. Other things I now appreciate are nature and wildlife, took for granted before but now have a love of just sitting watching and listening to our wildlife, no matter what is going on in the world nature keeps going, flowers bloom, birds sing and bees buzz. Unfortunately there is always someone or something worse that people are experiencing and today is no different, a friend I worked with and who has supported me has sadly died today and the fire in London, these things keep you grounded. So I will digest that life is short and I will.enjoy each day as it happens because I am so lucky 🍀

A week since chemo and I am starting to feel human again, apart from my mouth and my change in tastes ….. had a Korma last night and I actually enjoyed it, okay not that spicy but this is me after all 😉. My mouth is sore, so thinking about what I want to eat is a difficult problem …. well okay on grand scale of world events and today’s political choices it’s very small, but I have been tasked with writing a shopping list of food I would like to eat, plus able to get ready and cook myself this weekend…..decision, decisions 😂. Why am I fending for myself? Well finally the family are going to have a life this weekend, the boys are going camping at keswick festival Friday & Saturday night – so pleased they are going away – not because I need a break from them (honest) but because they need a break from me and my treatment (normal life). My daughter is going to London to the capital FM summer time ball, so out all of Saturday back early hours Sunday – it’s strange how happy I feel that they are going to get away even only for a short while and they will have fun, both events are music events too ….. music is an amazing tool to bring people together and make you feel every thing is going to alright, think the world has been shown this last week with the concert in Manchester, and all the other concerts and festivals still taking place.

Music helps me through the night, if unable to sleep and brain starts going into overdrive I will put my headphones on and listen to my Google playlist, I try to concentrate on the words of a song, that way shutting out any nasty thoughts that enter my head. Maybe I need to do this during my next chemo session to keep calm. 

I watched the Soap awards the other night, now whether you like/Enjoy soaps or not, you have to give them a huge amount of praise for the way they tackle real life difficult issues. I was pleased to see some story lines that’s are close to my heart won some great awards, my favourite episode this year was Emmerdale’s take on how the world looks for a person with Dementia….Ashley’s view, it was so well written and played out, I hope it helped people to have a little more understanding. Hollyoaks had tackled the issue of teenage cancer, don’t watch but it’s fab to see these difficult issues being highlighted, and to know that helplines are always given out at the end of each programme. Awareness of many different illness is a powerful thing. The more understanding we have the better we can support people going through whatever issue they have.

Right off to finish my shopping list 😉 and then to vote – not wasting my vote, women fought for our right to vote! 

I have seen several new Macmillan adverts including the one I’ve linked….they have all reduced me to tears, I saw the first one Thursday morning before my last chemo, they have a powerful message. “A person with cancer is still a person”

I am lucky to have breast cancer – yes thats right I said I am lucky, as the support I have received, has been given without having to seek it or beg for it. With breast cancer I have a specialist nurse  (key nurse) who I can talk to, or leave a message for. There is also “breast cancer care” the charity which has an amazing website and leaflets to support every step of way. (I have a huge pile of leaflets). However other cancer patients don’t get the same, they rely on Macmillan cancer and other charities, mixed reports to the help and support they actually give, depends on the resources available, and funding I guess.

Chemo is brutal and it is taking it out of me, I keep focusing on only 2 more left, but my aches have turned to sharp pains, seems particularly bad in my operation area, legs and arms. My mouth and nose are odd, my tastes have changed – marmite tastes wrong 😮 I am a love marmite person!! I am struggling to drink water as that doesn’t taste right either – on the plus chocolate is back 😉 …. having to eat stronger favoured things, maybe time to get to like curries and spicy foods 🤔. I have ear ache and sore throat – wow I sound moany sorry….but it’s how it is. It’s been a hard few days but I am starting to see light at end of the tunnel, as starting to feel a bit better. I am also aware many people have it a lot worse and my heart goes out to them, how do you deal with years of treatment? I am hungry and eating well, which must be a good sign too. I do keep having wobbles, and I do feel low at times, but my amazing support network gets me through, you know who you all are. You have shown me you still see me as me – And that means the world to me. And I am blessed to have reconnected with family …. ❤ . 

A really important quote to cling too, when feeling defined by cancer or any illness – you can get bogged down in the diagnosis, but it isn’t who I am it’s something I am dealing with at the moment ❤

So after the shock of Thursday’s chemo, I am more and more convinced it wasn’t a reaction to the chemo, they gave me IV anti sickness which can affect younger women (oh yes those magic words younger women – that’s me I am young 😂😇 if had energy I’d do a happy dance right now 😉) it can make you want to pull the cannula out and get up and want to leave ….. Well thinking back I wonder if it was more to do with that, I did feel cornered and a bit panicky, went hot and uncomfortable  (previous sessions I’ve been near a window, and had it open) it is not a nice feeling being hooked up to a machine and not feeling well and not being able to leave/get up without hassle. (Although next session i will walk about more as may help) The nurses were good, but they went into allergic reaction mode, I know this is because can be life threatening, but they didn’t really tell us what they were doing at first, shouting for help, get “the” box (this seems to have all drugs ready in it) it was scary and probably more so for Mark to watch. But at least they know what they are doing and do it well and all was well 😀 I will be asking for anti sickness to be the normal tablet form next time round ….. and see what else is offered when I see the oncologist next, hoping they may offer piriton type drug to take before just in case, not sure I want them to slow the dose down, but if needs must. Just got 2 more rounds to get through the end is in sight and I can bloody well do this 🤗 with all your help and support ❤

How have I been? ….. surprisingly okay, NO sickness this time, however this drug doesn’t make you feel so sick, I do ache, bit like flu and tired but the steroids don’t help with sleeping, I am irritable still, but this should improve as had last steriods yesterday. No sign of pins and needles or numbness to fingers and toes which I know is a really good sign, as that’s the side effect they want telling about, as they need to alter the dose because can be a lasting side effect. So yippee to not having that!! I have an appetite more than before, yep steriods again, but this should right it’s self now till next round, at this rate I’ll be rolling back to work after the summer 😂😂 

I am laid here hoping the sun will shine again today as my garden is the place to be, sat on my new bench looking at my new pond ….. we’ve got rid of children’s garden trampoline gone, adults peace regained ….. yay 👏

I am sat in the waiting room for my 4th chemo… it’s not so busy today it seems, but they are short staffed as usual so patience will be needed…..i am actually quite calm which has surprised me, I have had my 4 steroids this morning and anti sickness, plus my paracetamol and ibuprofen so fingers crossed dosed up enough😉

Steroids side effects – light headed, irritable, ratty sorry all! Laid in bed last night heavy legs, and joints ached on a plus only on them for 3 days, so half way through. Although not sure if I had audio hallucinations as heard church bells at 4am 😂. Didn’t sleep well, unsure if was steroids or nerves or both.

As I wait the waiting room is filling up around 30 people now, a mix of wigs, beautiful head scarves/hats and bald heads, mainly ladie’s but I believe Thursday is usually for breast cancer and this affects more ladies. Its a cheerful room, lots of chatter and laughter. Although chairs are uncomfortable, I feel for the people who have their chemo and then have to wait 6hrs on them in case of a reaction.

After nearly a 3 hour wait I am hooked up and the cannula didn’t hurt, yippee…..here goes new drug, flush of saline first. All’s good 😀 then with just 15 mins left of treatment I’ve gone really hot, feel sick and a nurse notices asks if I am okay …not really next thing I know I have 4 nurses and a Dr round me, they think I am having an allergic reaction, they stop the chemo and pump me full of anti allergic drugs whilst taking my obs……sleepy drugs, I feel bit better but the need to loo (loose) I am being to think I have a bug. Feel rough I just want to go home…… it’s agreed that I can go home and it’s okay to stop this course of chemo. Oh the relief, the nurse said it’s written all over your face you’ve had enough……we get home at around 4.30 so that’s an 8hr 30min day no wonder I had, had enough.

On the drive home I actually had time to think, I believe it was the steroids as I took some with food as they were hooking me up, they made me feel slightly odd yesterday lunch time, but on the plus side they’ll be giving me anti allergic meds I guess before chemo next time, so I am sure all will be good ….they may also slow the rate it enters the body so instead of 1hrs course it’ll take 2hrs. I felt bad as they so short staffed and I course a kuffle but they were fab……..

I could ask “why me – why nothing straight forward” but that’ll not help, so it’s positive head on, and it’ll be fine next time, as we can prepare 😀 

After yesterday’s blog I became quite poorly, I developed a migraine, was sick and had the runs (Sorry if TMI 😂) this made me feel pretty low, I actually thought at one point when I was wheezing that I would need to go to hospital. However being sick made me sleep, and when I woke I felt a bit better. Laying in bed gave me more time to think…….

As you know my daughter is struggling with teenage life, exams mainly…but what an inspiration she is to me, I lay there feeling sorry for myself and yet she is, with all her physical symptoms pushing on, attending a course/shadowing at the hospital – she went on her own feeling crap, but she did it, she went into the operating theatre and watched an operation (didn’t faint – which she was concerned about), today is mock interviews and then more shadowing. Each morning she feels bad with nerves/anxiety and yet she goes. Last night she was so anxious about the mock interviews, I felt rough still, but realising what she is doing and how she is coping made me get out of bed and curl up in hers, to talk exit strategies if needed. We discussed worst case scenarios and what to do, not sure if helped her, but it pulled me back to reality, this amazing  (and I don’t publicly gush or praise my kids much as I know they know how I feel as I tell them) young lady is still following her dreams even though she is finding every hurdle there is and she is conquering most of them – I just wish she would see it the same way, hopefully in time she will. Anyway if this young lady can do what she is doing then I can deal with the rest of chemo. She showed how amazing she is publicly by changing her Facebook profile picture, to her and me (being bald).

The hair issue is still divided in our house, although my daughter feels I should embrace it and show the world, my boy hates it, I took my hat off in the car in village and he was very strong in his wishes for me to put it back on. I do wear my wig when visiting people with children just because they may ask there parents difficult questions, but then is it right to hide it? Kids need to learn about the world, however they grow up so quick these days and have so many pressures, they can stay kids a little longer and stay sheltered from my chemo for now 😀

So today I wake to the birds singing and the sun shining determined that all is well with the world, my garden is beautiful, we now have a wildlife pond with plants and I’ll soon have a bench to sit on and admire it, thank you cancer and chemo as this wouldn’t be if you’d not come into my life 😉 – tomorrow will be a tough day but if my daughter can carry on so can I, I can conquer another boulder in my rocky road and we can grow together ❤

So today was consultant day…..another day on hold for cancer! Why do I get so nervous before this, nothing nasty happens on the Tuesday, so why so nervous? Think its my brain playing tricks with me again. Although appointments with the consultant only last 10 minutes it is almost a whole days job…..partly due to going to Nottingham City Hospital, which is a maze in it’s self and partly due to each time we go the nurse that does oncology bloods is on the wards, so have sit with the millions waiting in another part of the hospital…today was the day after bank holiday! So in and out of consultants – saw one of his team this week and what a lovely lady she was too, until she said I couldn’t have anything to help with the pain I will get in my veins from the cannula on Thursday – just paracetamol and ibuprofen  (Well after all my strong pain meds these don’t tend to do much 😔) so Thursday will not be good….oh she did check I knew how and when to take steroids from tomorrow – apparently I must take breakfast and lunch  (4 tablets each time) any later and I’ll not sleep – interesting think I may get a high on these ones 😉 watch out if you visit or speak to me 😂 (watch this space/blog for steroid updates later in week) so all set for Thursday if bloods are okay, side effects explained as new drug, on a plus the nausea should be better, but not going to dwell on what could be …. the phlebotomy department was very busy some people waited 2 hours – which is a long time but why do people get aggressive the nurses can’t help the amount of people that need blood tests, I was lucky as it was around an hours wait. 

I feel like I’ve walked miles, this is how it is with City Hospital it’s a maze, we went in one entrance and went up stairs, never came down them but still came out at ground level….this messed with my head 😂 (Mark knows the hospital well as he paced it for 7 hours while i had my operation) I am shattered from it all. On the plus we get free parking (the best advice given to mark once diagnosed, was which car park to use – City Hospital recommend you bus or park and ride it, but that takes ages, someone Mark works with mum had treatment for cancer there so knew where to park – I get car park rage so this really helped 😂) . I’ve come home and need to sleep….my neck, back and head hurts, my new boob is uncomfortable and where the lymph nodes were taken is sore. All in all bed seems the best place for me now …. 😴

I hadn’t realised until yesterday how much this cancer lark/rocky road/experience/journey – however you describe it has affected me mentally as well as physically 

It was my beautiful cousins joint birthday party with her lovely husband, of course we were invited and I was so pleased when I realised that it fell on my good (ish) week 😀 also it was being held just up the road – bargain. I know we women can spend a lot of time and effort thinking about what to wear, how to do our hair and make up for parties, but this became a whole new level for me yesterday. I have always been one to plan an outfit, as I’ve always tried to look my best, but the anxiety I felt over this was a first, lots of things I tried didn’t fit (gained weight as less active and eating cake 😉) finally sort of settled on an outfit. Now to start getting ready, this takes ages as I need to keep resting. Make up on, dressed now for the wig…..yes the wig is lovely it’s also a slightly more expensive one so it’s well made and you can’t see hair line, however I have a love/hate relationship with my wig, yes I feel better in it as I look like I have hair, but it’s not my hair and I know this…..my brain makes me think people can tell, although I know they can’t really. 

So there I am ready, all should be good yes? But no this is when my body decides it is going to just sweat and my pulse quickens – I am so nervous, why???? I am told you don’t have to go, you said you’d go if feel up to it, if you don’t then we don’t go. But I know I have to go, this is more than a party this is me going out with my wig to a party. This is me going out looking and feeling different to a party. This is about me building my confidence back up, this is a rock in my road I have to climb………

So off we go, I am shaking as we enter. I actually have my first glass of wine since drinking a bottle of red when told we got it all! (That was messy the next day 😂) And yes many will be pleased to know I really enjoyed it. I think it may have helped settle my nerves) I get a lovely welcome from my family, see this isn’t so bad, people ask how I am and seem genuinely pleased to see me. I will admit i found a chair in an a quiet spot out the way. Although it was hard to do and such a relief when I got in the car to take my wig off it was worth it (thought should wait till I was in the car 😀)….. another rock smashed only a few more to go. 

I am suffering today….was it the wine or the later night or the nerves, who knows but I am tired, and achy today. My heads not quite right but all in all it was worth it. 

What’s doesn’t break you makes you stronger 

As I am sitting here trying to stay cool in this heat, I am thinking about what to write about today – I had thought I would talk about my time after hospital and being home but my thoughts are actually with my friends today……one friend bought me some rocky road when she visited, it was lush, much nicer than my rocky road, think I prefer marshmallows and chocolate to surgery and chemo 😉

In the past week I have had a couple of friends pass comment that they are sorry that they are talking about their problems or that their issues are not as bad as mine or that they don’t see/support me enough, it’s made me think – how do you quantify a issue/illness physical or mental, family problems children’s struggles/divorce. How do you judge one thing being harder to deal with than another. We all have struggles in life, no one’s struggle is worse than another, they are just different with different people dealing with them. I want to support my friends with their issues as I would have if I hadn’t had cancer, and I am so proud of them and with how they are dealing with their different issues, and I want to listen to their rants and support where I can, but I also appreciate that they care enough to apologise and worry that what they are going though isn’t as hard as what I am experiencing, even if I do disagree with them on that. The quote “hard times will reveal true friends” is so true and I am so lucky with my many friends ❤

I am sat here with less eye brows and eyelashes  (although I don’t notice eyelashes as I look at them, I just know thinning as my eyes are very watery – make up issue all of its own 😂) also thinking about my boy and what he said last night. He past comment that he is uncomfortable with the thought of me being bald when we go away – I did reassure him that I would wear my wig. This got me thinking (yes I do have too much time on my hands to think!) Is it vanity that makes me concerned with my hair loss or is it society? If I was male would it be such a worry, not just for me but for my boy? As a female I am lucky as I can wear a wig, as my eye brows disappear  (just not my leg hair 🤔) I can pencil/fill them in, could a man do this, would a man be comfortable with a wig? It’s fashionable to have filled in eye brows for a woman, so this would lead to it being socially accepted for me to do this. To answer the vanity/society question for me I think it’s both, I also think it’s about people knowing, if you wear a wig you don’t look like you have cancer, but if you are bald or wear a scarf or hat – you look like you are having chemo ie have cancer. And for my boy, me being bald reminds him that I had cancer and that chemo is a sod to go through/and to watch a person you love go through. On a positive at least he has said what’s on his mind and I can deal with that, just may glow/sweat a lot with a wig and hat on if the weather is good when we go away 😂😎👒☉

This week is my “good” week, I do try to make the most of it, although I am having to push myself to make the most of it. I find stress and worry does knock me, it seems to alter my breathlessness which is better than last week, but still annoys me 😉 waking up to the dreadful news yesterday, does help you put your life in perspective, but then also life goes on, exams still take place, work still carries on. My heart goes out the the families suffering after the attack and the hero’s that helped – yet again our NHS showed us what they are made of, we should be very proud of all NHS staff and emergency services.

I am feeling ok this week, although my veins are very bruised and this is making my arm ache, my back is quite painful so I am guessing my nerves are coming back to life ….. I am looking in the mirror more and getting used to the new pert boobs (first time ever I don’t need a bra 😂) the only issue is my new boob is about a cup size smaller, so I need to decide if I can live with it or look at options of more surgery…my nipple also needs tattooing. As I get out and about this week I am getting used to my wig, however it is a great relief when I take it off and go bald at home. (I say bald, but my hair is starting to grow back, it’s weak so comes out easily but it’s growing – little happy dance) 

Being out does take my mind off things, my daughter is trying to get through her Maths AS exams, she is struggling which is really hard to watch, she has the ability to get the grades she needs but something is going on in her brain which is stopping her from believing this and then making it hard for her to concentrate, the school have be fab with supporting her…but as her mum I want to help and take it away for her and I can’t. If I am sat at home alone I do over think things and probably worry more. She is amazing and I am proud with how she is trying to cope with her issues. And I can’t help but think it’s a lot to do with my diagnosis. 

I had a lovely day yesterday, I managed a few hours at a garden centre with my mum, we had a few comfort breaks which included food and drink 😀 and bought some plants for the garden, the garden is becoming a small project, it is looking great which is relaxing for me, but also giving Mark a focus on something else, just need to now get the plants, planted. It was good just to do something normal. But the knock on effect is, I don’t feel so good today, I had to cancel a lunch date that I was looking forward to, it’s just a good job I have amazing friends who understand when I cancel on them ❤ thank you x

As next week approaches I know I will be more anxious as this next round, I am having a different drug with different side affects …… and my veins are already not happy, so how they will get a cannula in remains to be seen … but they know what they are doing and if painful it’ll only be for an hour and a half. And I know I’ll be able to cope with whatever side effects I get, at least I have my extra strong anti sickness for this round. The steroids will need to be taken, so my immune system stands a chance of fighting and nasty bugs. But after next week only 2 more left …. roll on August 😀