I hadn’t realised until yesterday how much this cancer lark/rocky road/experience/journey – however you describe it has affected me mentally as well as physically
It was my beautiful cousins joint birthday party with her lovely husband, of course we were invited and I was so pleased when I realised that it fell on my good (ish) week 😀 also it was being held just up the road – bargain. I know we women can spend a lot of time and effort thinking about what to wear, how to do our hair and make up for parties, but this became a whole new level for me yesterday. I have always been one to plan an outfit, as I’ve always tried to look my best, but the anxiety I felt over this was a first, lots of things I tried didn’t fit (gained weight as less active and eating cake 😉) finally sort of settled on an outfit. Now to start getting ready, this takes ages as I need to keep resting. Make up on, dressed now for the wig…..yes the wig is lovely it’s also a slightly more expensive one so it’s well made and you can’t see hair line, however I have a love/hate relationship with my wig, yes I feel better in it as I look like I have hair, but it’s not my hair and I know this…..my brain makes me think people can tell, although I know they can’t really.
So there I am ready, all should be good yes? But no this is when my body decides it is going to just sweat and my pulse quickens – I am so nervous, why???? I am told you don’t have to go, you said you’d go if feel up to it, if you don’t then we don’t go. But I know I have to go, this is more than a party this is me going out with my wig to a party. This is me going out looking and feeling different to a party. This is about me building my confidence back up, this is a rock in my road I have to climb………
So off we go, I am shaking as we enter. I actually have my first glass of wine since drinking a bottle of red when told we got it all! (That was messy the next day 😂) And yes many will be pleased to know I really enjoyed it. I think it may have helped settle my nerves) I get a lovely welcome from my family, see this isn’t so bad, people ask how I am and seem genuinely pleased to see me. I will admit i found a chair in an a quiet spot out the way. Although it was hard to do and such a relief when I got in the car to take my wig off it was worth it (thought should wait till I was in the car 😀)….. another rock smashed only a few more to go.
I am suffering today….was it the wine or the later night or the nerves, who knows but I am tired, and achy today. My heads not quite right but all in all it was worth it.
What’s doesn’t break you makes you stronger