I have returned from my second holiday – this one was so much more me 😉 a lovely lodge in Dorset – so beach holiday. The weather was good too, this week away I realised the difference a couple of weeks can make. I still get tired but I managed to do so much more, and no afternoon granny naps 😂. My brain is still on a 3 week cycle, I still seem to measure things by chemo, I guess as time goes by I’ll stop thinking this way, for example this week to me is “5 weeks since chemo”. Whilst away last time I remember waking up on the Thursday thinking I should be having chemo today, and strangely enough I actually missed going for it – why ? I guess my life has revolved around chemo for so many months and a 3 week cycle, now suddenly it doesn’t, suddenly I don’t have any structure, very strange feeling. Whilst on my holiday I managed to get back to paddling – ok not in a kayak, but on our sit on top, bit more stable. But a paddle and I loved it, was concerned how my back would be, as the reconstruction I had, removed a muscle and tissue from my back to build a new breast. But was ok, next few days I did feel it, but it was worth it, I am on the mend 😀. On our last day we visited a RSPB reserve and we had a long walk, I am not going to lie it was a bit too far, and I struggled towards the end, which made me a bit grumpy 😉, however once completed I did feel good, proud of myself. My daughter’s fitbit said 7500 steps but my phone said 9500 steps (so going with my phone 😂) with 5500 steps at a healthy pace. I am tired still 2 days later, my body wasn’t happy after I was actually sick that night, so it was too much, but felt normal. Whilst on the beach I rocked the head scarf, floppy hat and large sunglasses and factor 50, so not much of a tan, which is unusual for me, but at least looked glam 😂

Tamoxifen – well I’ve been on it now for over a week, not sure if had any side effects as such, am I more irritable ?? Best ask the family 😂 I am spotty, every morning I wake up to a new spot 😤. I am itchy not sure if this is the tamoxifen or not, I am also warm all the time, not hot flushes as such just feel warm, when others aren’t. I am more thirsty so drinking lots of water (still not able to drink much alcohol 😔 a small Pimms or glass of wine – or I am ill.  Took a bottle of champagne with me, and returned with it, it’ll have to wait – hubby happy as means I drive 😂) 

This holiday did me a world of good and sad to be home, I did things with the kids again, I am on the mend, slowly but definitely on the mend – in the post on my return was an invite to a course moving forward in November, breast cancer care run it, so on Monday I will book myself onto it, not too sure need it, but if it helps me a little then worth it, I need to start giving myself the best opportunity to move on positively as I am well aware of the statistics of anxiety/depression after treatment. 53% of people said they struggle with anxiety after treatment and 31% with depression. And I can relate to 80% of people who said they were concerned that the cancer will return – any ache or pain or change you think twice about – these are from a survey conducted by breast cancer care of 800 people who had a diagnosis. I hope the course will reassure me and give me the tools to move on without cancer over shadowing it 😀. 

This is something for all my nearest and dearest to now look forward to 🤔 I have just returned from (I can’t believe it is actually 7th) my 7th oncology appointment. I saw Sam again who is an “Advanced Pharmaceutical Practitioner” ?!? Anyway he is very nice and easy to talk to, he seems to also know his stuff, so not worried he isn’t an oncologist. He has given me my new daily tablets “tamoxifen” – I will be on these for at least 5 years, but because of my age he thinks it’ll be 10 years. My breast cancer was oestrogen receptor-positive which means it relied on the hormone oestrogen to grow, tamoxifen blocks oestrogen from reaching cancer cells, this means the cancer either grows more slowly or stops growing although. It is used, in my case to reduce the risk of breast cancer returning. There is a lovely long list of side effects 😑 but mainly I will go through the menopause, there is a little good news if the hot flushes don’t calm down after a few weeks they maybe able to help with that! Sam mentioned forgetfulness and mood yeah to that, god help you all 😂😂 

Today I am feeling good, managed to shower and get ready to leave the house by 8.30am, doesn’t sound much but a huge improvement for me. I have been showering or bathing the night before to help with my breathlessness and fatigue in the morning. I also walked from the car park to the department and back, which is quite a distance. I am resting now. My funny tummy and my hip pain are due to the chemo, but need to keep an eye on it, if it doesn’t improve need it let them know. My taste buds are slowly improving as is my appetite.

I return to oncology department in 6 weeks to see how I am getting on with the tamoxifen and its side effects. 6 weeks is the 19th September, the day before my next sick note will run out, so the day before thinking about returning to work. Very mixed feelings about this, it’s a scary thought, I know it will be a phased return, and I can’t wait to see my work family but how will I manage…. (still 6 weeks is a while away, can get plenty of drinking practice in before then 😂😂 ) 6 weeks is a long time to build my strength up, especially when I am improving each day, but it’s still a daunting thought after so long off….i am sure these are natural feelings and as it gets closer I’ll be ready to get into it. 

I have been quiet for a while, so much so some kind friends asked if I was alright 😀. Such a thoughtful act made me feel good, and reminded me that lots of people care. 

The reason for being quiet is that the last few weeks have been hard, after the 6th chemo it’s taken a while to pick myself back up, I’ve had a silly cough that some of you have experienced when I’ve tried to talk to you 😂 I know I should listen more and speak less! This cough has got me down as it made me a little breathless too,mix that with fatigue and it makes me not a happy person to be around. However this didn’t stop me from being whisked away on holiday – owww somewhere nice and warm with blue sky and blue sea, I hear you say. Nope camping in a tent in North Norfolk…..mmmmmm. I have to admit I was very unsure about sleeping in a tent for 8 nights. And with my energy levels so low, but my family needed this holiday too. Sleeping wasn’t a problem due to the new camp bed with air mattress, in fact I think I’ll miss it now i am home. It wasn’t the same kind of holiday as before cancer, as I didn’t have the energy to do the walks, bike rides or eating out. But the kids and hubby did, which is what they needed and I rested when I needed. I managed to actually read a book, which is more than a baby step, as my concentration has been shockingly bad with my chemo brain 😂. We went crabbing and had fish and chips at the beach, which was fab, it’s the little things that mean so much. The small children dancing to the band on site (Not my children), the kids messing about in the pool, just puts a smile on your face. Oh yes and we went bird watching briefly, something I have enjoyed doing at home whilst resting, so stopped at a visitor centre near salthouse 😁

I did walk and do a little more each day, it’s slow and fatigue kicks in quickly, not too sure my boy gets it, he just gets frustrated with me 😔 mind you he didn’t have his Xbox or Wi-Fi whilst we were away so that maybe didn’t help 😂….. I have now started to eat more although my tastes seem to have changed, rather eat savoury than sweet, sure it’ll not last though. I managed a Pimms or 2 (Not one after the other – on different days) and a glass of wine…..so it seems that my baby steps are all going in the right direction….. 

Ps my cough has nearly gone, fresh air best medicine! My hair is growing, grey and straight, although uneven so think it will need shaving again – who knows what it’ll end up like 🤔 

Today is classed as day 6 after chemo as they count the day you have chemo as day 1. I’ve made it, made it past Monday and I am still at home……. this was a huge emotional rock to get past, as Monday was the day I went down hill last time and ended up in hospital for a week. But this time I’ve got past it 😀

That’s not to say it’s been plain sailing or driving (rocky road 😉) . Friday was a reasonably good day, Saturday I started to feel very tired again, this then saw the return of my cough  (although no tena ladies in sight – band them 😂) . Saturday over night was rough, even with all my anti sickness tablets I was sick, up most of the night. Sunday brought aching joints, not as bad as last time but not being able to get comfy in bed or sat up, bath was the place to be. My mouth is bad this time round I have sores and everything tastes awful, which makes it hard to eat and drink. My ears ache again too, need to keep eye on that as this was a sign I was going down hill last time. I decided Sunday night to take sleeping tablets and I believe that was the best decision I’ve made in a while, as I slept well for 6 hours, and I felt a lot better …… not brill but a lot better. 

Monday arrived and I can safely say it was a scary day for me, kept taking my temperature, tried hard to relax, avoided people, felt a bit like a mind game, slowest day ever. The day started with another rock to climb, Mark had to inject me 😯, these are the injections they give you to encourage your bone marrow to produce white and red blood cells and platelets. I need to have them for 5 days, I am not sure who was more terrified 😂 after I wonder if he enjoyed it too much ……… I wasn’t able to sleep during the day, maybe because of the good night’s sleep I had, it was hot so I spent the day on the bed with fan on, but no tennis to watch. I am weak from being sick and struggling to eat and drink but it’s Tuesday and I feel sooooo much better, the only way is up now……. today is the start of a new me, new life and new outlook 🤗

Cancer has gone ……. I have also now given it my best shot of it not returning!! Go me I’ve done it, last chemo given – relatively easy too, just cannula in finger which wasn’t pleasant actually let’s be honest it bloody hurt, however it’s the last one – so was ok. I could not have done this alone, all my friends that have suck by me, I can’t thank you enough for your on going support, all showing it in your own unique ways and making my smile and cry – sometimes at the same time – I ❤ you all xx My family what can I say? You’ve grown over this time too, and you’ve made me so happy to be back in touch, and I can’t wait to meet up with you all. To family near, they say that when some one you love gets cancer, you get it too, I have felt that for you too, and you are all brave too – I am so lucky to have you all, and sorry I scared you the other week….. love you all.

Now to the next hump in my rocky road, I am fully aware that life after cancer treatment can be very hard. I need time to mourn many different things, from lost friendships to my different body (losing the boobs that fed my babies) losing who I was, and learning to love the new me – this maybe hard and take awhile. I need to build my fitness back up both mentally and physically, and this will take time and patience – apparently I am not very patient!! 

“I had to find a new normal rather than trying to get my own life back just as it was” quote from Macmillan life after cancer treatment leaflet.

I think the hard part is they don’t offer scans or anything ….. So I will always wonder and analyse every ache and pain, I guess I will need to trust my instincts as I did before and that was a good thing or this rocky road could have be a lot longer and rockier. It’s not over as I will be on hormone tablets for 5-10yrs and I know that the side effects maybe hard, especially the fact it will bring on the menopause and more mood swings (I apologise now while I can 😂)

I have slept most of the afternoon since coming home, but feel okay at the moment, I have my tummy injections to start Monday to encourage bone marrow to do it’s job well, fingers crossed that helps if I get an infection. I also have 3 weeks supply of antibiotics for any chest infections, due to infection doing it’s rounds (had these since starting chemo) fingers and toes crossed I sail through this one please xx 

Just returned from my 6th oncology appointment…… yet another professional, he was very nice though.

I wasn’t kept waiting which was really good, we discussed what I had been through, they knew I had been in hospital but didn’t have notes so explained I was in Lincoln hospital. 

So we plan to go ahead with my “LAST” – in case you not aware but it’s my last chemo 😉, on Thursday however if my cough cold gets worse it will need to be postponed for a week! As they don’t want to risk me being admitted again. I will have the same drug with self injections to encourage white blood cell production  (I asked about going back on FEC but he said I’d still need the injections, and seeing as I did not reacted to the drug, he felt best to stay with the docetaxel). He checked my cough and it’s clear which is good.

I go back in 4 weeks to talk about next steps – hormone tablets, which is reassuring as thought that was it last chemo and signed over to GP, so good to know I see them once more before the next stage. 

I think I am ok with chemo on Thursday, I know when I was in hospital I was pretty adamant I didn’t want any more chemo, but it’s only 1 more and then I’ve given myself the best possible advantage for it not to return, I know I’ve done all I can, to have an extra 20 yrs. 

Well I’ve been home a few days now, and it’s been a struggle, physically and emotionally, not sure I am out of the tunnel yet……

I came home on antibiotics which I have now finished, so a step in the right direction. However I have a cough, which is making my back – where had operation – hurt, as pulling it. My nose has been affected and feels odd, my taste buds are bad, all I can taste is medication, this is making eating and drinking difficult, how can you eat what you fancy when it just all tastes the same? My appetite dropped in hospital and I am trying hard to build it back up, as I know I will feel better if I could eat better. I am not sleeping well either which is not me, cough not helping…. I was given sleeping tablets to help in hospital and they have sent me home with them, but only seem to work for 3 hours 😔 I’ve read leaflet and can take 2 so that’s my plan, one good night’s sleep! I cough too much I leak, we know this a common issue, I ask hubby to buy me some period pads always or something similar… he returns with “tena ladies” !!!! I am 45 yrs old not 80! They are huge ladies it’s like wearing a nappy, but as one wise lady said I can now cough with confidence 😂😂, and watch Andy Murray with confidence too 😉

Emotionally I am not in the best place, then I feel guilty as there are so many people worse then me, but I am human and I have been through a bit lately so need to allow myself to feel a little low – that’s what I would tell any friend, so need to take own advice 😉. Only one more…… Only one more, but really not looking forward to it! I have read that people don’t always finish the course for many different reasons….a lady in the next bed to me, couldn’t have last one due to the side effects, she managed 10 yrs cancer free. I kind of hope the oncologist remembers that he offered for me to go back to the first drugs FEC – I know the red one horrid but compared to a week in hospital, I’ll take it. I guess need an open conversation around statistics and quality of life, I can’t let my family go through what they went through again, it was bad for them seeing me so ill. I will need to inject my tummy with drugs to encourage bone marrow to produce white cells if I have the same drug, not sure I could inject myself! It’s taking me a long time to work my way back up to being me, think that’s what I am finding hard, I can’t concentrate to read, it’s taken ages to write this. At least I have the tennis 😀

Next week has come round quick again – oncologist Tuesday and chemo Thursday – last one though then I get to look forward to my holidays.

I have just logged back on here after a week away and realised I had actually started a new blog – explaining that I felt my body had lulled me into false sense of all be great this time round, as I had been feeling good up to 2 days after my 5th chemo. I started to explain I felt my rocky road had taken a turn into a dark tunnel (tunnel not cave as I knew there would be light at the end, just how long it would take to show I wasn’t sure) as id started to feel poorly, at this point on Sunday I wasn’t concerned just felt tired and mood was low, it was difficult to concentrate which is why I didn’t get far in writing that blog. 

By Monday tea time I knew something wasn’t right, my temp hit 38.4, so rang the emergency line, she told me pack a bag and come and see us at Nottingham…..by the time Mark was home from work to take me I knew I couldn’t make it to Nottingham even though that was possibly the best place for me. I had a tight chest by now and my breathing wasn’t good. Lincoln A & E it had to be, I hoped I wasn’t wasting anyone’s time, my daughter told me off for even worrying about that, I booked in, they were brilliant no waiting went straight through.

Cannula hell……..I can’t remember how many tries but the consultant had to do it in the end, it bloody hurt each try they did. I had an ECG and chest X-ray. At this point my bloods were doing ok, so they felt I had a viral infection but thought best keep me in over night and redo bloods in the morning, and give me fluids. So at 9pm 4 hours after arriving at A & E , I was told there were no beds and I may need to stay in A&E over night on their trolly! (The lovely Dr did apologise and suggested we write to our MP – when we had arrived the department wasn’t too busy, but hubby and daughter had been out to get a drink and said it was mad out in reception, people were ringing different A&E departments to ask what their waiting times were – apparently Scunthorpe was only 3hrs so a few were off there!!) 

Luckily a bed came up at 10.30 and I was moved to the assessment ward, to try to sleep. Temperature still high, but no one seems concerned which is reassuring, so we decided Mark would go to work and mum would come and stay with me. By mid morning my temp peaked at 39.4, this sent everyone into a tiss, new bloods taken which isn’t a simple process I had a nurse and a doctor squeezing my arm to get enough to check for sepsis. They check your white blood cells to assess this, at this point they were low but not too low, they make the decision to admit me to the oncology ward, still thinking it’s an infection possibly a throat infection. I move up to the ward being sick, hot, shivery and then cold. My temperature is still going up and down, peaking at 39.1. I have odd dreams and very unsettled. On Wednesday the consultant decides to treat it as sepsis and change my antibiotics to a stronger one but which will target more of my body as they don’t know where the infection is, today’s bloods are not good (a week after chemo they expect your white cells to fall so where expecting my to have dipped, but not as low as this) more fluids given, and an injection in the tummy to encourage my bone marrow to create more white cells. Going to see how I respond to new antibiotics for a day, may need changing again. They move me onto an air bed as I am not moving much – no energy to do so. Thursday results white cells picking up, but temperature still up and down, but I am beginning to see that little light at the end of the tunnel ….. then when trying to give me my meds through my cannula it hurts and burns – this meant another cannula but where?? They send for an expert – I liked her, first prick and it’s in, inside elbow so not most comfortable place but hey ho ….. now please temperature start behaving. Friday I am feeling a lot better but still being a little sick, my bloods are doing really well, so told to go off ward escape for a while, I’ve managed a shower for past 2 days as well. Then I get the runs!!!! And I am whisked away like a dirty person and hidden in a side room…….. I have to do a sample. (The consultant did apologise later that it was the potassium tablet and another fizzy one which I can’t remember, that gave me the runs) but at least in side room had own toilet so not annoying anyone else on the ward.

Saturday feeling a lot better just not moving too far from the loo still, had to do a poo chart 😉 I managed sleep as I asked for something light to help me, I am exhausted….Sunday the consultant said he wanted to send me home but could not as my potassium level was way too low, so given it this time via IV 16hrs worth. But at least I can go home with 5 days worth of antibiotics 😀 

I can safely say I am black and blue from all my stabbings and do not wish to see another cannula in a hurry, but I was in the right place, the staff were all amazing, considering I am under Nottingham the oncologist were brilliant with me, it’s a sad ward, we had 2 deaths while I was there. A lady was given 2 months to live, another lady had been there 3 months and was finally going home, I am the lucky one I am home with a cough but home, tired and a little low but home. Now need to have an open conversation with oncologist about next treatment ……. Thank you everyone for you continued support and sorry I scared a few of you, I scared me too ❤❤

Well my 5th chemo has finished – yippee only 1 more to go …. feel like dancing 😇

I have read that the 4/5th chemo can be the hardest ones, you can feel like giving up – I totally get that, although so close to the end, your body is tired. My body ached so much last time and the fatigue was hard, the thought of more chemo sessions even if only 2 left is hard mentally (and yet many people have so many more sessions – not sure how they do it, amazing, you rock). So I fought through those feelings and I won this one 😉 as I only have 1 left now. The reason I made it through was due to a couple of factors ….some very special people in my life rooting for me, making me feel loved and needed, prayers and candles lit, virtual hugs given, and my lost family members showing me love and support ❤ I know some truly amazing people. The other reason were the simple words from my new oncologist “if you want to stop at any point, you can and we will look at other drugs/options” he gave me control back and the confidence to know I can say if not feeling right/panicky.

I was actually called in 15 minutes early, yes you read that right “early” wow, liking this early appointment 9.30am is the way forward 😉. As agreed my chemo, started with “pre meds” these were a piriton type drug and extra steriods, these are to help if it was an allergic reaction last time, I then had a half hour saline flush to allow these to get into my system. They then started the docetaxel but slow for half an hour, and because I had no affects they put it back up to normal rate after this time – yet again the nurses were fab and nothing was an issue. So all went really well, plan will be the same next time – did I mention that will be my last one 😉. 

I am feeling tired and achy already, not looking forward to the next few days but it’s a means to an end, and I am very lucky, I found out so early and have the best ever chance to many more years of causing havoc 😉. I met a lady today having lunch on a bench, I sat with her while Mark collected the car (I was a little breathless). Her 24 year old son has leukaemia and is in hospital due to a chest infection, she has a lot of praise for the staff at the hospital, but she off loaded some niggles, she said it was fate that I sat next to her, how do you watch your child go through that, amazingly we laughed at our experiences and I listened, two stranger’s united due to cancer. I am a better person because of cancer, I have a better understanding of struggling with health issues and all that we go though because of them …. I know I will also be much better at my job when I am well/fit enough to return 🤗🤔

I saw this and it made me giggle …… you have to laugh xx

Today saw me back at the hospital for my 5th oncology appointment. They seem to come round so quick, which is good means I am obviously not getting to bored inbetween appointments 😀
There was a 1 hour 15min delay, apparently my oncologist has left and I have a new one ……its a bit hot in the hospital, no surprise really, but okay as armed with my fan (A few jealous looks and remarks I need to get one of those) it was so hot I actually took me hat off – yes I went bald wow it was liberating and flipping cooler, walking back to the car later and having lunch out – I noted you get as many glances with a hat as you do bald! So there’s a thing, I my do bald more – when not with my boy, who still in public not comfortable with it (happy to tease me at home about being unable to grow hair though, so it’s a start) but when it’s hot it’s the way forward.

So my new oncologist seems okay, he listened to me which is a great start. He asked how it was going, explained much more tired this time round (common thing) more head aches but migraine tablets seem to be sorting these out. My body ached …. he asked if I’d had a fever – nope, did I ring emergency number – nope, he happy with that. We then discussed the last chemo, I told him my symptoms and he asked me if I’d had back ache, chest pains, a rash, if my tongue was swollen – no to all these. He gave me some options for this time round, we agreed that I would try having the anti sickness as tablet form (had IV last time and in younger ladies can make you panicky and want to leave) to have steriods and piriton just in case I have a reaction. To then try the docetaxel – also known as taxotere again, but if I want to stop then that’s okay, I could then try a different drug – however this is only licenced if you are allergic to the docetaxel. Another option is I can finish off my treatment with FEC these were my first three drugs. He also reassured us that not finishing the hour last time will be fine. 

I also noted that this blood test he asked for a check on bones ie calcium levels – I’ve googled and it says could detect bone cancer, I need to ask when I go if this is standard at this point – I am guessing, so if anyone can enlighten me I’d be pleased – i hope they are checking, as I’ve not had any other tests to see if any little buggers are lurking anywhere, no scans etc, 

Getting close to the finishing line now – which is a little scary, set free to the outside world well to the hands of my GP because then I start on my 5 -10 year journey with hormone tablets, not an easy ride for some either – the joys of being young and pre menopausal. Yearly mammograms, already booked for February, oh yes and my September appointment with Dr gorgeous Kristjen – to check his work of art 😉(mmmmmmm who should I take to that appointment 😉). With breast cancer, Diane who is my nurse is now mine for 5yrs (poor lady 😂) so if I notice anything or have any worries I can just ring her, and she will see me, no need for a referral  (it’s a brilliant system).

Only one more after this Thursday 😀 ……