I was sent this card last week with the following quote in it, it’s such a powerful quote I wanted to share it with you all ….

As you are

Stronger than you know, more beautiful than you think, worthier than you believe, more loved than you can ever imagine, passionate about making a difference, fiery about protecting those you love, learning, growing, not alone, warm, giving, generous, quirky, sexy, funny, smart, flawed, whole, scared, brave, and so so so much more ….. You’re you! 

Apparently it’s for “kick ass” women….and I know many women this suits ❤

This week I posted a picture on Facebook, a new profile picture. It is me with a wig (not brave enough for the bald picture as yet 😉) the reason I did this was because I was meeting someone special who I hadn’t seen for a few years and they needed to see me with my wig on to help recognise me. But the lovely messages that were sent though comments on the picture astounded me – thank you 😀 

Yes I do look well, I have always had an interest in makeup, liked to try new things, this is helping me now. That’s why I look well, I am lucky that although my eye brows have thinned and my eyelashes are not as thick, there was plenty before chemo, so still enough to work with now. I use No.7 foundation, I am using more now as my skin is more blotchy than before, so a good covering (Interestingly enough not enough for it to really be SPF 15, as I saw the other day you need to have at least a table spoon of foundation to be wearing enough for the SPF it claims to be!! – day time Tele can be useful 😂). I then use a bronzer it’s a Tesco collection one, I felt I needed some bronzing as not allowed to sun bathe. I do also use the benefit “do the hoola” box set if need to feel extra special … but I like the Tesco bronze as much (a lot cheaper too). As I said my eye brows are thinning, I used to use L’Oreal brow artist, but it was too dark with my wig colour, so now I fill in my brows with “brow zing” benefit it’s a softer colour. I haven’t changed my eye make up this is still from “naked 3” urban decay range. I use No.7 midnight lash on my few eyelashes but this seems to work well with enhancing them making them seem thicker. Blush is another benefit one “rockareur” then I finish with benefit balm on my lips. Oh yes and plenty of No.7 protect and perfect intense moisturiser. So this is why I look well 😀 make up hides a multitude of sins 😉

I am not sure if you really want to know about my make up routine, but as I lost my hair, eye brows and eyelashes it became an important part of my life, spending money on the right make up for me was essential not luxury as before, it’s given me the confidence to go out, so if you know someone in a similar situation who is struggling maybe practical support around filing in the brows or making eyes bigger and brighter to draw attention away from what’s missing may be how you can help them 😀 

Wow it makes a huge difference in my world, the rocks don’t seem so big and there are fewer in view.

It’s been 4 days since my last blog, and I am so much better, my breathlessness has improved, I have taken Lucy dog for a walk each day, this has helped lift my mood also. I pushed myself to get up and take the children to school too, I am still breathless and struggle to walk very far, but much better. 
My arm is quite painful, my veins are not happy, but some paracetamol (as temperature is ok) helps with this. My back has been playing up this week, where my scars are and under my arm pit too, unsure why this is an issue now, maybe I am getting some feeling back….time will tell. And most people live with some pain or other everyday. 

I finally went into the local coop, maybe my confidence is growing around my new appearance…..it was hard to do. I have never experienced a panic attack, I’ve been lucky in that way, however when I parked the car outside the coop, I could feel my heart rate change and I felt sick why its only the local coop, been in another coop in a different village. I had the strength to ignore it, and got out the car, I knew what I wanted so only went straight to those things, I didn’t shop around, I saved money that way too 😉 I paid and left. Success ….the world didn’t crash and no one asked any questions, although I am unsure why that would bother me, it’s funny how our brains work, the smallest things can seem huge and big things for other can seem small – we are all so unique thank goodness, but it means we should never judge someone, until you’ve walked in their shoes. Someone asked me early on if I felt like I was handling/dealing with my diagnosis as I had thought I would, I was able to honestly say that I had never thought I would experience breast cancer so didn’t know how I would react. I have learnt over the course of my treatment that you can not predict how you will cope, you just don’t know and also everyday is different. Everyone is unique – and every case of breast cancer is unique, the NHS staff work hard to make sure your treatment is personal to you, that is why they sent my cancer to the USA, testing to see if it was likely to return and whether it would respond to chemo. Our bodies are so different too, they react to treatment differently. I was told by a chemo nurse before I started treatment this, she said you could be sat next to someone having the exact same drugs but your side effects can be world’s apart. My body is doing me proud, it’s been through many things in it’s 45 years and each time it’s bounced back, this time it’ll be no different. God help my many friends once I am fit again 😂😂 

It’s a good job I’ve actually gone off chocolate ( hope some of you were sat down when I said that 😂 it’s okay still like my cake ) and can talk about rocky road without salivating…

To be honest I’ve had a tough few days, emotionally as well as physically, my breathlessness when I attempt to do anything is getting me down. Last round I felt quite good, so it’s hit me harder emotionally this time. The last 2 days I’ve just wanted to curl up and shut the world out, I’ve ignored messages and phone calls, but I needed too, I needed some me time, some time to wallow (no sunshine not helping). 

This rocky road  (think it describes what I am going through better than “journey” or “experience”) I’ve been going down has taken it’s toll, I feel that I’ve not healed before having something else thrown at me, I had a very big operation in January, they wait till the wounds have healed, but they are visible wounds, not wounds inside or emotional wounds, then I am thrown on the chemo route, I have read it can take a long time to adjust to the shock of having cancer and often doesn’t happen until long after treatment. I still dont like what I see in the mirror, I am bald, and it doesn’t suit me, (but why can I lose my hair on my head yet my chin and top lip still sprouts them, so unfair 😉) I’ve gained weight, and my body is covered in scars, let alone my boobs looking different. The breast cancer care charity deliver a course around moving on after breast cancer, so although I am unique it’s comforting to know that what I am feeling is “normal”, even if I don’t like feeling this way. 

Steroids don’t like me, I am on a lowish dose, but they do bung me up, this I know isn’t helping with my breathlessness or my chemo brain. So I am slightly concerned to how my poor body will cope with next session, it’s a different drug, and I need to take 4 steroids twice a day, starting the day before, and for I think it’s 4 days after. (Prune juice – yuck 😂)

I am sleeping more this time round (I do love sleep though) but I am making sure I am up when the kids come home, I have made sure I eat tea with them, they know it’s been a hard session this time but we are doing well and making time to talk, to keep things as they should be, “how’s school” “how are your friends” etc. However they are teenagers and they may wish to move the boundaries at any moment, keeping us on our toes 😉

I think I am coming out of my dip, and I shall push myself to take Lucy dog for a short walk tomorrow, this will improve my mood and may help my bowels too, I can hope. Time to stop wallowing and enjoy the wild life and good things around me 😁 

And not the nice chocolate and marshmallow type 😉 it’s a rocky road of obstacles to climb over or navigate round, positive as well as negatives. Today was going to be a great positive, but unfortunately due to my breathlessness I needed to cancel a meeting. 

My diagnosis changed many things, it has changed my relationships. Some people’s reactions have surprised me, both positively and sadly negatively  (I guess people have their reasons, and I try hard to respect it, but I have to think about me and my family first). I was warned that this may happen, but you hope it wouldn’t. 

This week I have been watching the kids closely, and unfortunately I can see the cracks appearing. My daughter is trying to study for her mocks and her maths AS, while staying strong for me (no she shouldn’t have to be strong but it’s that stiff upper lip she’s inherited from her dad – unlike me I’ll talk if you ask – okay not 100% but 90% of the time, something’s you want to keep to yourself). I can see she is struggling, but having managed to talk to her a little, and then speaking to the school, she is now hopefully getting the support she needs. As for my boy, yes the cracks are there too, he seems so angry at me, I am unable to do anything right, so when he said this week that I do nothing (teenagers don’t count teas cooked, food bought etc as doing anything!) other than I sit, sit and watch tv or sit and read, I decided to explain that I may look like I am doing nothing when I sit down all the time, but actually my body is fighting for another 20-30 years alive at annoy him (I actually like to think it will be 40-50 years as oncologists do air on the side of caution 😀) this then led to a great conversation about our relationship, and we’ve set a date night next weekend. And he is not hiding in the den on his Xbox quite as much. So a big positive.

Today I was due to meet my uncle who I haven’t seen for a few years, I was really looking forward to it, but yet again it needed to be postponed, this made me feel pretty low this morning, but it’s great that we are back in touch and we will meet up, as I will with my auntie also. I have many people contacting me, who ive lost touch with due to life taking different directions who also want to meet up, and I know will once I am fit again, unfortunately with time between chemo sessions and feeling well enough is short, and I never knew how many friends I have, fitting everyone in is a pleasant struggle to have whilst looking after my family. 

My friends have been amazing, they check up on my every day or most days, and will listen when I need it, and make me laugh. One friend sends me a card almost every week, not sure she realises how much they mean to me, and how touched I am. Another friend thinks she does not do, or say enough but knowing she loves me and is routing for me is enough, and she visits when she can. Messenger is amazing the support I get via group chat and individuals is my life line. I have made many new strong friendships, which have led to coffee meet ups and quick shopping trips, cinema visits. Colleagues have become firm friends just knowing they are there if ever I need them, even though some of them haven’t known me for long at all. Just having my friends tell me I am beautiful, amazing, inspirational and brave is all the support I need, because many days I don’t feel any of those things, I am just struggling with my rocky road. 

Cancer is a bitch but I look at my friends and there are too many of you to name or mention personally (also chemo brain which yes I confirm is real – I would forget many and I don’t want to do that) and I realise there are positives to cancer – thank you all for being you and helping me x ❤

So yesterday was my 3rd chemo – half way through! I wake feeling ill, nerves? But why nervous done this twice already ….maybe it’s that nasty red one and my poor veins? But I feel sick and have diarrhoea, so took Imodium – should I have done this? Oh well I have now. Still one less thing to worry about. I try to sleep on the drive to Nottingham, but feel odd. Parking eak ….. this can be a problem and if anyone knows me well, I get car park stress, so I relax a little when we finally manage to park. We grab a tea and a flapjack with cherries to have while we wait, I know it will be a wait as they only send down for your meds when you arrive.  Maybe this will do the trick anything with cherries usually does, I hate waiting, I am a early person and I hate being made to wait, I know how busy they are on the ward, and understand why we are kept waiting and I would never complain but my blood pressure HATES it!! 2 hours after my appointment time, after sitting in uncomfortable chairs with my sore back (had it drained on Tuesday as still filling with fluid but that hasn’t helped this time, still uncomfortable guess it’s still healing) I am called through. Unfortunately my veins are not happy, the nurse said this is normal, as your body remembers things and didn’t like the red drug, she made one attempt to fit cannula and the vein wasn’t good enough, so had to use a vein used before, which they try to avoid, it was very painful both times, I am bruised but not as bad as I would have thought. I had electric warmers on my arm this time and I think that helped as my veins were fine as the red drug went it. My nose did react this time to the 2nd drug, tingly and heavy, this was very uncomfortable over night, and still isn’t right today.

It took 2 hours this time for all the drugs to be given due to the nurses being so busy, I think the pain of the cannula had really effected me, as I struggled to actually walk to the car so I sat in the sun while Mark got the car, that was bliss. I tried to sleep on way home, just trying to relax. Unfortunately my oncologist made a mistake with anti sickness tablets, so was unable to start with extra strong ones until today, so last night was awful, I was very sick – and being a lady of a certain age and having had 2 children I was peeing as being sick! ( sorry guys but I am being honest here 😉😀 – plus you gotta laugh really) may need to work on my pelvic floors more 😂. Joking apart yesterday and over night was the first time I questioned why I was doing this, you read about alternatives and cannabis etc, so why have I agreed to this? No answer other than to trust my gut decision when i was sort of given the options, i want the best chance of 20-30 more years here. I am still not great but managed to keep extremely strong anti sickness down this morning (strangely enough not the water I drank to take tablet – our bodies are amazing) forcing breakfast biscuits down to be able to take steroids and antibiotics. At least I have a sofa bed to sit on and look at my garden and listen to the birds singing 😀 . This takes my mind off my heavy legs, arms and odd nose.

Going back to my nerves from yesterday morning, our brains are very complex and I wonder if I sensed things were not going to go so well or was I just concerned about the nasty red drug? Or maybe I was unwell and that’s why my body reacted this way – guess we will never know, but what I do know is the only way is up now 😀 

There are a lot of articles written about loss of confidence with a cancer diagnosis especially around relationships and intimacy. Looking back I think my confidence took a hit quite early on, as I’ve mentioned before my relationships changed. People started to worry about me, instead of me worrying about them, so this meant I was treated differently, not saying it was a bad thing, as it wasn’t but where did I fit into this new world? My job had changed so what was my new purpose? I would see people I know in the village, in shops and I didn’t know what to say, small talk evaded me, my head was full of I have cancer can you tell by looking at me? I need to smile more I am so sad. Rationally I know people couldn’t tell and didn’t know but I felt different. And this was all before surgery or chemotherapy.

After surgery my confidence was very low, my body looked and still does look different, I have struggled and still do with the changes, although I am blessed to have 2 breasts neither look or feel like mine. (My new boob is a muscle as I can do a party trick with it, also when I lean on it, I feel it in my back – very odd sensation, but that’s the light side and does make me smile). Each day is better and I know that I will get used to my new pert breasts, but it’s been hard. My role at home changed, I wasn’t able to do the things I did before, my daughter/husband took on the role as carer, they made me drinks, carried things up and down stairs for me, I wasn’t allowed to lift anything. Emelia motivated me to do my exercises, I should be looking after her not the other way round, yes this would be temporary but that didn’t help how I was feeling. It was easy to shut the world out, but I pushed myself to have friends round and to go for a walk each day. I worry about the effect this has had and still does have on the kids, family and my very close friends, the guilt is still there.

I had started to build myself back up Confidence wise, then chemo began – feeling ill again, I shut everyone out the first week, then my hair started to come out. I pushed myself to go out, but no where to public, a walk along the river where no one knew me. Even with a wig, I don’t feel me, I think people can tell, I braved walking in the village with a scarf on, this was a big step, so I decided to go to Go Outdoors this turned out to be an excellent idea, as i bought  “buff” head cover, now I have a head cover that isn’t cancer related and it’s pink, so suits my colouring. I have managed to go places in my wig but I have chosen places where I will blend in, and perhaps not be known, if I am honest I will admit I haven’t been in my village shops since losing my hair, I know it’s silly but can’t face it yet, some situations are easier to avoid/say no too. Although my confidence has taken a knock, I have achieved many positives too, but if I say no or don’t do something you feel I should, just remember it’s hard and some days are harder than others ❤. It’s hard watching everyone’s life carrying on as normal, I am pleased for my friends and I want to hear or read about their lives, i still want to be included in their worries, the best thing for my confidence is to treat me as before, tell me your worries, include me in your lives, (I have some amazing friends who do this already, I know they weren’t sure to start with but I want to help still and to feel needed). On a positive each day its getting easier, and I know by the end of the year I’ll be back….

https://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/information-support/publication/breast-reconstruction-bcc7

I wake up after 7 hours, to Mr Kristjen at the end of my bed (Mr Gorgeous as mum later nicknamed him 🤔), he explained all had gone well, and that he had seen Mark to tell him I was okay and in recovery, I awake again on the hospital ward, I have my own room. I decide – not that I really remember, that this would be a great time to take a selfie and post on Facebook, I had, had the operation and I was okay…..mmmmm was it a good idea? I am not sure, it did let people know I was fine, and all in one go, instead of loads of messages, so was quick, but many people didn’t know that I had cancer, so was a shock for a few people, I apologise for that. But I was ready to let people know, and hoped to be able to raise some awareness, maybe I felt I was on the road to recovery as the operation was over and I had 2 breasts and was alive? (or maybe it was the morphine!). Whatever it was, I think it was the right thing to do, I received some amazing messages of support, and from people who had been through a similar experience, either themselves or relatives….this has led to old friends and family being in touch, and hopefully after I am better we can meet up 😀 a positive, thank you cancer.

I am not in any pain but I do feel sick, and I am sick, stronger anti-sickness tablets given. I am on oxygen, morphine, paracetamol, ibuprofen and I have a local anaesthetic going into my back, I can control this myself if I need more, this will be why no pain. I am uncomfortable, they have taken a muscle, some fat and tissue from my back to create a new breast, so there is no wonder I am uncomfortable. I also have 4 drains coming out of me, 1 from each breast and 2 from my back, plus the tube for the local anaesthetic, this will be interesting when I need to go to the toilet, but yay they removed the catheter before I woke up, which was such a relief to me, but the nurses were very surprised, as getting out of bed would be a challenge. I also had a duvet, well it felt like a thick duvet, it was wadding, over both breasts, and an extra heater in the room, this is to keep my breasts very warm, increasing the blood supply to the area aiding healing, I hate being hot!!! I will admit that when the nurse were not around and I had visitors I was naughty and had the window open a little. My legs were also attached to a machine that created air into bags around my legs, I found the noise comforting, in fact on the first night I thought it was Lucy dog curled up on my legs sighing every so often (Morphine induced maybe) sad when realised it wasn’t her 😔

For the first 24 hours I was on hourly observations, they woke me every hour to take my blood pressure, heart rate, temperature and checked wounds on breasts (who hasn’t seen my boobs now?), interestingly they can now only do observations on my left side, due to the removal of my lymph nodes. So from now on I can only have blood taken from my left arm, or if checking my blood pressure this has to be left arm. (not sure if this is forever or just for a while, maybe need to check this when at hospital next) On day 2 they went to every 2 hours, then luckily as I was doing really well they went to every 4 hours, finally some sleep maybe.

My bottles from the drains needed to be emptied everyday and measured, once below a certain level the drains could be removed, after the first day in hospital I had the 2 from the breasts removed, so now only had 3 tubes coming out of me. During my 1st day I was not allowed to walk anywhere, bed rest, unless needed the toilet, then I was allowed out of bed onto a commode, oh the dignity of it! It was a struggle with tubes and bottles, and my right arm, being affected from having lymph nodes removed, but we managed. Day 2 and I am offered a shower, yay I thought, but its not great having to have 2 people assist you with this, they needed to walk with me as well as actually shower me, the student nurse was amazing, it was only her 3rd day on the ward and to nursing in a hospital, she had never seen an operation like mine, she will make a great nurse, as will the other 2 student nurses I came to know, they were great they had patience and empathy in bundles. I survived my shower experience, but if honest didn’t want to experience it again, I struggled to strip wash myself after this, as I had a sink in my room. The big issue I had from day 2/3 was each time I needed the toilet I had to ring the bell, for help out of bed and then back in, I could walk to the toilet fine, but couldn’t manage the bedside which kept my drains from falling and pulling on me. But sat in bed I had a brain wave, if we left the left bedside down (all my tubes were in my right side now) I could get in and out of bed when I wanted. oh the freedom and independence, wow it was liberating! 

Unfortunately because I was in Nottingham City hospital and visiting was 2pm – 8pm only, I didnt have many visitors, Mark and Emelia came everyday after school, and mum and my stepdad came on the Friday, although not having too many visitors meant I rested, but being in a room on my own, made me a little lonely, I could hear what was going on at the nurses station, and with a lady who had dementia, but was also having chemo. The staff struggled with her mood slings etc, I did offer to have her in my room and we could chat, but the staff didn’t take me up on this, think they thought I was sort of criticising, which I wasn’t, just wanted to help her and them, and pass some time. They were doing great with her, they moved her to a side room near the nurses station, so she always had someone to talk to. Maybe they felt I needed my rest too. I worry too much about others, time to switch off, and stop working, time for me to concentrate on me, as some wise ladies kept telling me! 

Mr Kristjen came everyday to check on me, he came 3 times the 1st day, twice on the Friday, and once Saturday and Sunday, wow he is dedicated to his work, he is pleased with his work as well, which is reassuring. On the Sunday morning he came, and asked how I was, I said I was good but wanted to go home, my boy hadn’t felt he could visit me in hospital (I didn’t want to pressure him, we all cope in our own way) and I wanted to see him, Mr Kristjen said “well lets make that happen then”, the best words I had heard for a while. Before I could be discharged I need my big bag of meds, and I needed to be fitted for a bra, the nurse did this, she explained that I would need a different size, once all the swelling went down (my new boobs were bigger than before 😂). So that was me free from hospital, with only 1 drain in, and a very uncomfortable journey home, my poor back it will never be the same again, but at least no pain from breast….just got to keep physio up on my right arm …. 

So the decision has been made, well almost, the surgeon needs to say that he is happy to do the operation. Diane had provisionally booked me in for the Wednesday 18th January, but I need to see Mr Krisjen on Friday 6th January. Back to the breast institute we go, I will say everyone there is lovely and they make you feel very welcome, and until actually writing these blogs I hadn’t realised how often I was there.

On the 6th I think I was the most nervous I had been, odd really when you think about it, but every time I had been there, there had been some bad news, first cancer, then pre-cancer, then reconstruction but high risk, you are over weight ……. what if this surgeon decides he doesn’t want to do the operation, then what? A mastectomy and I wake up with no right breast, that was the only thing I was certain of, I wanted a right breast. Mr Kristjen was really nice, very nice kind eyes. He checked my understanding of everything so far from diagnosis to where we are at now, think I passed with flying colours. Now to get the breasts out for him, I was so nervous about this, I think being poked and prodded by the last not very nice surgeons had affected how I was feeling. But I need not have been, standing there with my hands on my hips, turning so he could see my back as well, yes he pinched but was more gentle, he could tell I was uncomfortable, so was very reassuring.

After he had examined me, he said those magic words “I am more than happy to do the operation for you and I do not foresee any problems” I was so relieved, I was actually happy and smiley the first time since the “it’s cancer”, not that I really want this operation but I need it, and I will wake up with a right breast. He then explained that I would need my left breast reducing as they couldn’t make the new one as big, he wanted me to be comfortable with the fact I would be about 2 sizes smaller. But he said he would be happy to have his team work on the other breast at the same time as he does the reconstruction, so it would all be completed within one operation, plus he would recreate me a nipple, all in one operation! He is now my hero, as I thought the nipple would come later. I now needed to visit the hospital photographer, they needed some before shots to work from, page 3 girl ?!? 😂

So the operation would be a long one, I would have my lymph nodes removed from my right breast and checked to see if the cancer had spread into these, I would be injected with a radioactive substance, then whilst under anaesthetic they would inject a dye, this enables the surgeons to locate the nodes and remove them safely. Apparently I may have a blue tint to my skin after this procedure, the anaesthetist explains they do this whilst you are under in case you have a reaction to it.

The day of the operation arrived, we were early, no surprise there, this is me after all. The admissions ward was busy, and I was second on Mr Kristjen’s list. Mr Kristjen arrived with his surgical registrar, they needed to mark me ready for the operation, so once again I stood there with my hands on my hips whilst he drew on me and took photo’s, well I can say its getting easier to do this. I also met the anaesthetist before the operation, and another lovely man, who knows how to put you at ease. After meeting everyone, I knew I had made the right decision, I had so much confidence in them, I was not frightened all.

The ward nurse took me down to become radioactive, I was injected in the right breast and it was painless, guess they get a bit of practice. The nurse said that I had a bed so my operation was going ahead but 13 others didn’t have a bed at that time, and may have their operations cancelled. They have this everyday. My wait wasn’t too long, I am taken down at round 10am by a chatty porter, in my fluffy new slippers, and very attractive hospital gown, which had to be opened to the front, but they also gave me one to put over this ( I am sure I look very attractive). A junior doctor, I say junior because he is VERY young meets me and takes me through to a room with a table/bed in, I lay on it and the nice (he was rather attractive too 🤔) anaesthetist took my fluffy slippers wanting to know if they had a names and if not we needed to name them ……. this is the last thing I remember.

I was down for 7 hours. 7 long hours for my loved ones, nice sleep for me 😉

WARNING – Some content may make you wince

When I was told I had cancer, I was also told that they wanted to investigate the calcifications further which would involve a vacuum biopsy. I needed to wait a week for this procedure. Back at the breast institute again, the nurses are beginning to recognise me soon they will know me by name! I wasn’t nervous about the procedure as the last biopsy was painless and I was having a local anaesthetic. I was taken to a room, and asked to remove my top clothes (yep these boobs get another outing – wonder if it will ever get any easier), I lay on a bed on my left side, then my right breast is placed in the mammogram machine, the radiologist gives me a local on the surface of my breast and another inside my breast in the area to be cut, yes this did hurt. My vacuum biopsy was guided by a mammogram, they can also be guided by ultrasound (however calcifications do not show up on an ultrasound) the radiologist places a probe into the area of breast that has the calcifications in, a vacuum then draws the tissue into the probe. a rotating cutting device removes a tissue sample and this is then pulled up the probe as a sample. Unfortunately whilst I was having the first sample taken I had to cry out as I could feel it all, and it B#####y hurt. More local anaesthetic was needed (you would have thought they would have looked at the size of my boobs and guessed that before!) They needed to take 6 samples, but this is me we are talking about so the machine decided to have a little melt down and got stuck half way through. It took them an hour to take the samples, I was extremely uncomfortable. The nurses were fantastic though they had covered me up and kept me informed to what was going on, lots of people in and out of the room, trying to fix the machine. Once I was released from its grips I was moved to another room, where a nurse then spent 15 minutes massaging my breast – not lightly either to stop the bruising (unfortunately this didn’t help, or if it did I dread to think how bruised it could have been) All in all an experience I don’t wish to repeat in a hurry.

I needed to wait week for results as these are on a Friday, 16th December, my work Christmas do, not be going to that then. I see a different consultant this time, he explains that the area of calcifications is pre cancerous and if left would become a cancer. My cancer is very tiny as we caught it early, but this other area is large. He recommends that I have it all removed, so this would mean a mastectomy, we have suddenly gone from a simple lumpectomy to the whole breast going. How did this happen? Diane was with us, as the consultant explained it all to me after again examining my breasts, he also said I have options, I could have a simple mastectomy, or they maybe able to do a reconstruction at the same time. I said I would like to explore this avenue. Another wait to see a plastic surgeon, this would not be till next week 23rd December, Christmas.

Back we go to the breast institute my new second home, I meet with 2 plastic surgeons, one who specialises in using your tummy area and one who uses your back, and implants. Both female, this is the first time I actually felt like an object when being examined, the surgeon who uses the tummy, poked and prodded, pulled and pinched. She said she would do it using my tummy but had concerns around my BMI, I could have a mastectomy, lose weight and in the future have a reconstruction, or risk it now but………….all the worse scenarios possible given. Another option was a skin saving mastectomy with a skin stretching implant ready to fill later or an LD reconstruction  (Latissimus Doris Flap) using back muscle, fat and tissue again this surgeon was concerned about my BMI. Luckily Diane was there to save the day, she took us into another room with her ipad and showed me pictures of all the successful options, she also said we have to give you worse case scenarios so you can make an informed choice. Diane kindly said she was surprised about their concern regarding BMI, as she said I don’t look to bad etc. We left Nottingham with loads of leaflets (and heads throbbing with information) about mastectomy’s and reconstructions, with the idea I was to make a decision by the following Tuesday, first day back after Christmas break, it was agreed that I would ring Diane, and she would then schedule a meeting with whichever surgeon would do the operation (if I couldn’t make a decision Diane did say she would make an appointment to discuss further) Cancers taking Christmas too.

How do you know if you’ve made the right decision? This is so alien, no one can tell you what to choose, you feel scared because you have cancer, guilty because Christmas is ruined as this is hanging over you, all you want to do is curl up and shut the world out, I cancel seeing friends and going out, I can’t cope with everyone else’s lives carrying on as normal, all the happy pictures on facebook. (I know this is a normal reaction to grief any grief and this is a type of grief, I am losing part of me) cancer has turned my world upside down.

I pull myself together, I am a positive person, oh yes I am…………..but how do I make this decision, I ask myself. But I do, not sure how but it came to me LD reconstruction was what I choose, this is what I want ….no I don’t want it, but this is what I need. I ring Diane early that Tuesday morning, and she was bright and said that she would organise a meeting with the surgeon, she will get back to me before the end of the week. When she rang me back she was happy to say that Mr Kristjen would be my surgeon and that she was positive that I would like him and be happy with this, oh and how right was she !!