And not the nice chocolate and marshmallow type 😉 it’s a rocky road of obstacles to climb over or navigate round, positive as well as negatives. Today was going to be a great positive, but unfortunately due to my breathlessness I needed to cancel a meeting.
My diagnosis changed many things, it has changed my relationships. Some people’s reactions have surprised me, both positively and sadly negatively (I guess people have their reasons, and I try hard to respect it, but I have to think about me and my family first). I was warned that this may happen, but you hope it wouldn’t.
This week I have been watching the kids closely, and unfortunately I can see the cracks appearing. My daughter is trying to study for her mocks and her maths AS, while staying strong for me (no she shouldn’t have to be strong but it’s that stiff upper lip she’s inherited from her dad – unlike me I’ll talk if you ask – okay not 100% but 90% of the time, something’s you want to keep to yourself). I can see she is struggling, but having managed to talk to her a little, and then speaking to the school, she is now hopefully getting the support she needs. As for my boy, yes the cracks are there too, he seems so angry at me, I am unable to do anything right, so when he said this week that I do nothing (teenagers don’t count teas cooked, food bought etc as doing anything!) other than I sit, sit and watch tv or sit and read, I decided to explain that I may look like I am doing nothing when I sit down all the time, but actually my body is fighting for another 20-30 years alive at annoy him (I actually like to think it will be 40-50 years as oncologists do air on the side of caution 😀) this then led to a great conversation about our relationship, and we’ve set a date night next weekend. And he is not hiding in the den on his Xbox quite as much. So a big positive.
Today I was due to meet my uncle who I haven’t seen for a few years, I was really looking forward to it, but yet again it needed to be postponed, this made me feel pretty low this morning, but it’s great that we are back in touch and we will meet up, as I will with my auntie also. I have many people contacting me, who ive lost touch with due to life taking different directions who also want to meet up, and I know will once I am fit again, unfortunately with time between chemo sessions and feeling well enough is short, and I never knew how many friends I have, fitting everyone in is a pleasant struggle to have whilst looking after my family.
My friends have been amazing, they check up on my every day or most days, and will listen when I need it, and make me laugh. One friend sends me a card almost every week, not sure she realises how much they mean to me, and how touched I am. Another friend thinks she does not do, or say enough but knowing she loves me and is routing for me is enough, and she visits when she can. Messenger is amazing the support I get via group chat and individuals is my life line. I have made many new strong friendships, which have led to coffee meet ups and quick shopping trips, cinema visits. Colleagues have become firm friends just knowing they are there if ever I need them, even though some of them haven’t known me for long at all. Just having my friends tell me I am beautiful, amazing, inspirational and brave is all the support I need, because many days I don’t feel any of those things, I am just struggling with my rocky road.
Cancer is a bitch but I look at my friends and there are too many of you to name or mention personally (also chemo brain which yes I confirm is real – I would forget many and I don’t want to do that) and I realise there are positives to cancer – thank you all for being you and helping me x ❤