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Rocky Road or Roller Coaster or just Life

I feel my rocky road has now become a roller coaster and I would now like to get off, enough is enough.

Yes I chose to have my latest operation but I have struggled with this decision as it was another general anaesthetic and time off work, not to mention the pain and knocking me back physically again. Why do it, it’s only a boob – cosmetic am I that vain ? But it goes deeper than that it’s about confidence and feeling womanly. I am aware my family have struggled to understand my need to have a go at making my pretend boob fuller and a better shape, and I am sorry to have put them through it, but so far the results have been worth it. I had liposuction from my lower tummy (unfortunately not enough to make me a size smaller πŸ˜•) they then do something with the fat which makes it softer the put it into the boob, I have bruises on bruises, the pain wasn’t as bad as I had expected but still very uncomfortable. They still had issues trying to get a cannula in – the thumb was used, after suggesting the foot!! Chemo still giving…….

Today I have attended the colposcopy clinic as my smear results were abnormal, I waited 14 weeks for these results. So today I went and yep he was surprised at what he found, his words “Well I wasn’t expecting that” . My cervix doesn’t look how it should, it’s covered in a white fluff, he said polyp like, oh great this is me – doesn’t surprise me! He says he would like to perform a loop excision biopsy, this is where they use an electric current to remove abnormal tissue, a local anaesthetic was used to numb my cervix, he then removed the tissue using a wire loop. The smell was awful, burning tissue but apart from that and it being uncomfortable I was ok. The nursing staff were amazing very calming. The consultant explained that he thinks its my bodies reaction to tamoxifen, he doesn’t think it’s cancer, but could have become if left or just spread, he is sending a biopsy off – so now the wait begins, possibly 4 weeks. “Cancer the gift that keeps on giving”, as someone said, yep please stop giving I’ve had enough. My family need me now so just do one …… stop this roller coaster I want to get off! I feel quite low and tearful it sometimes just gets too much and my positivity takes a knock.

Tomorrow is another day

Turning a corner ….

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, life has moved along, as it does. Good and not so good days, more good ones though which is great.

I don’t think anyone would disagree that we have had a rough 18 months, and that myself and family have struggled, however we have turned a corner over the last few weeks, I have been feeling a lot better, a lovely week away with my kids helped, and yesterday was a particularly good day. My daughter got her A level results, not only did she sit them she passed them with some fantastic grades – admittedly not what she wanted but with what she has been through they are amazing- she inspires me every day, she would hate that I am say this, but she does, with all her struggles she has not once given up, she has ploughed on and achieved some great results. I hope one day she will look back and be as proud of herself as I am. She has lots of options now, and time to make the right decisions.

Then today, I went to work with my hair curly, it seems it’s got suddenly longer and I like it. My lovely work friends were surprised to see it and said Adrienne is back!! Which is how I felt, for the first time I looked in the mirror and thought I am back 😊 oh happy happy days. Also this week the hospital rang and gave me a date for my tweeking so I will soon have even boobs again.

I had an afternoon tea in aid of breast cancer care, we raised Β£500 with gift aid, which is amazing and I am so pleased to be able to donate it to breast cancer care and support other people effected by breast cancer – I can’t thank all who donated enough xx ❀❀

Rocky road or cha cha

Saw this quote, just at the right time as I was feeling low about things. Fed up of taking 2 steps forward and 1 back but actually I am just dancing πŸ’ƒ

Dancing is good, it’s normal and normality is underrated… falling out and shouting is normal yay to normal, it’s been a tough week, so when things are normal I appreciate it. I am suffering with some side effects from the tamoxifen- I must be fed up as I rang my breast care nurse (BCN) to discuss and then I’ve been to the Dr this morning – reoccurring thrush!! And nasty thrush at that, it got me very low last week, just seems to be one thing after another, I think I’ve turned a corner as my fatigue is more manageable- I have more normality in my life and then bang side effects hit me. Most of them I can deal with/able to tell myself its worth it for the benefits of tamoxifen (The hormone oestrogen can stimulate some breast cancers to grow. Tamoxifen will be prescribed if your breast cancer has receptors within the cell that bind to the hormone oestrogen. Invasive breast cancers are tested for oestrogen receptors using tissue from a biopsy or after surgery. When oestrogen binds to these receptors, it can stimulate the cancer to grow. Tamoxifen works on the whole body and blocks the effects of oestrogen on these receptors. This helps to stop oestrogen from encouraging any breast cancer cells to grow) but nasty thrush wasn’t manageable. Unfortunately there really isn’t an alternative to tamoxifen for pre menopausal ladies (I understand there are other drugs on trial but not tried and tested as much as tamoxifen) – so we can try to stop the symptoms, I was hoping the Dr would give me tablets that you can take once a week for 6 months (someone advised me to look at the NICE guidelines for thrush, so I was in the know when I went πŸ˜€ thank you to my lovely breast buddie xx). But nope she wants to air on the side of caution and do a swap, so need to wait for next bout 🀨. Because of all that is going on hormone wise, I am dry down there too, my BCN said it’s part and parcel of tamoxifen! Yippee ….. she said ask for some cream whilst at the Dr but be aware they may not want to give me any as they have a small amount of oestrogen in them, which I should be avoiding, however it’s so small the benefits out way the risks, so I am prepared and give a good explanation and after discussing tablet verses cream (tablet has slightly more oestrogen) we go for cream, I get home and what do I do? Yes I read the flipping leaflet and it clearly say DO NOT use if you’ve had breast cancer, now I am all of a dither- this is silly I know, my BCN said to ask for it, a menopause specialist on the breast cancer care course said they were ok to use, and I read the leaflet and think should I!! Well I am going to ring my BCN and double check the make is ok πŸ€”. Bonkers that’s what my brain is bonkers, but I know I’ll not settle if I don’t double check.

Can you see why I feel like my rocky road is 2 steps forward and 1 back – maybe I’ll just be cha cha-ing the rest of the way through life

Rocky road still continues……

A simple quote but not easy to do, since cancer and treatment, I have said before you spend so much time analysing every ache and pain “has it returned?” I feel silly, I feel paranoid, and at times I just feel stark raving bonkers – but on a positive day I can cope well and my brain will play ball and tell me everything is just fine.

In some ways it seems harder now that treatment (well treatment that we talk about) is over – chemo done, hair lost and re-growing, not to mention the surgery to cut the cancer out and re-build my body, its the hidden disease again. I am trying to get a “new” normal life – all the leaflets/books talk about a “new” normal, but do I want a “new” normal, how am I meant to actually like my “new” normal? Yes my hair is growing back, but I still struggle with it, actually let’s be honest I hate it, I want my long hair back! I have gained weight from the hormone tablets, I ache because of these tablets too. Not to mention the IBS πŸ˜”. Fatigue I will say no more than wow it still hits me, my immune system is still low – I know it is as I have things to deal with due to this. I have dry skin/itchy legs, hands and feet/veins are still sore, my operation site goes from numb to painful regularly. Armpit where lymph nodes removed, can still have sharp pains. Is this my “new” normal?

Its certainly not all bad, in fact its really okay on the whole, I have more good days than bad. The other Sunday was an excellent day – armed with new comfy bras that make my boobs look normal/back to being my boobs. A hair band which I actually liked, wow how good did I feel 😊

I have just had a week away – it was just the job, we hired a house and I relaxed, I also did more excerise- I got back on a bike, which I haven’t done since my operation, and we walked. It was/is hard going away, leaving my comfort zone of home, its strange how I now view things differently and how my confidence has been knocked. But home is safe and looked after me whilst I was ill.

I have also had a huge change at work – I call it huge, 18 months ago I would have taken it in my stride, but now its huge. I have moved office and area, not new colleagues, ones I have been working with. New clinics and cafes though, its seems that since cancer things that I could cope with well before, are now a huge issue, is this just me or is it just a coping mechanism? I hear people say they are more relaxed after a cancer diagnosis but i feel more tightly sprung, maybe with time I’ll relax?? I also had my first week of 5 mornings of getting up for work for 16 months, oh dear it was hard, by friday night i was ill – sick and had to go to bed, Saturday I did nothing. Hopefully this will ease with time, I have been back at work 5 months and it’s got easier with each month, but I have had to be careful not to over do it at home too.

Moving forward …..

True – however its hard as feels at times it takes over your life, thoughts and dreams, it can be all consuming. Even once you are in remission it’s hard to move on, as the side effects of treatment can last a longtime, as well as treatment lasting years….

At city hospital second days in a row πŸ˜€ yesterday was for a tattoo, I say tattoo it’s what they call it, they use the same technique as a tattoo but they don’t use permanent ink. It’s to give the new nipple and areola colour, best match as possible to the old/original nipple. The nurse was great she explained everything well, went through risks etc. Unfortunately they only last around 3 years, but to help avoid too much fading, I was told to not sunbathe topless πŸ˜‚ and if swimming to cover with a waterproof plaster. I need to keep it covered for 24hrs then to put nappy rash cream on it twice a day…….avoid soaking in the bath or direct water from the shower for 2 weeks. Also not to use soap or perfumes etc for 2 weeks. Then once healed in 8 weeks I can have the colour filled/topped up. Due to the reconstruction having been made using back tissue the nurse needed to set the needle longer to get through the skin, it’s tougher than breast tissue or tummy tissue. Some areas I couldn’t feel anything, some areas I felt in my back and another area hurt !! I haven’t seen the results yet so watch this space πŸ€” I am nervous about taking the dressing off, may take a while before I actually look think I am a little scared ….. I will admit I nearly didn’t go ahead with it, I was so nervous, which seems strange after all I been through this should be child’s play. Didn’t help that appointment was next to chemo suite not great memories there, I wobbled but stayed strong.

I was at the breast institute today seeing a practice nurse for my first year check up. I am pleased to report she checked my glands and both breasts and all is good πŸ˜€ and all my aches and pains are due to chemo and nerves slowly growing back, could take a couple of years for my back to calm down. The sharp pains in fingers and toes is due to chemo, my sore veins in left arm is chemo again. Fatigue could be tamoxifen but more likely it’s chemo – chemo the gift that keeps on giving πŸ€” even 7 months after finishing. Still it is good to hear it’s normal and to be expected, even the leg cramps!

It’s very hard going back to the breast institute and chemo suite, but I am hoping the more I go the easier it’ll get, especially if it’s good news each time I go πŸ˜€ I am back in March to see my surgeon about filling the new breast as it needs plumping up, although the nurses yesterday were very impressed with Mr Kristjen’s handy work – it’s reassuring to know that they are looking after me, I couldn’t ask for better care than I’ve received from Nottingham Breast Institute……

A year on …..

A year on from my operation – I really can not believe it’s a year since my body changed, I am still not used to it – I had 45 years to get used to how it was before and just a year to start to come to terms with it now. I think I am getting used to it slowly…… on a good day. That is visually speaking, although new boob needs some tweaking, I am booked in for the nipple to be tattooed and to see consultant about filling it out a bit. Once these are done I am sure I’ll be so much happier with my new shape. It’s the feel of my new body that I am struggling to get used to, the pull in the back which seems to be 24/7. The itch in the new breast that needs scratching via the back. The pain in my armpit where my lymph nodes used to be – even a year on. The ache in both arms, one seems to be due to my vains still being sore after chemo and the other I am not sure. And not forgetting fatigue wow how that can floor me πŸ€”

The physical sign of cancer treatment I can cope with, it’s just niggles and that’s fine cos I am here over a year later, back at work and starting to live life again. It’s the psychological side that’s so very very hard, the mixture of I should be jumping around and running marathons (me run any where is too laughable) I am in-remission, I am wellish and the guilt that some days I am not happy, I am consumed by worry and insecurities that I never felt before. Every ache or pain, new or old is scrutinised the what ifs, is it back. Is that a sign of secondary cancer? And around it goes, I have even had thoughts my tamoxifen isn’t working, I have no side effects my periods have returned, does this mean tamoxifen isn’t doing what it should – keeping cancer at bay. I know on a good day all these thoughts are normal but also not actually right, on a good day I know I am just lucky that tamoxifen hasn’t given me any side effects, and my aches are normal everyday aches after the year my bodies been through. Some times I need to hear that from ladies who have also been there – I never thought that I would need that kind of support, but having met these inspiring ladies and leaning on them, I understand the power of shared experiences – we need to remember we are never alone, there is always someone out there that understands and wants to help πŸ˜€

2017 – do one, hello 2018

Christmas is over and done and I survived it, wasn’t sure if I’d get through without being a bubblering mess!! Tears do seem to come quite easily these days. You would think that after last Christmas and the stress of being told I had cancer, then needing to decide the type of surgry I would have, that this year I would be happy and bouncy and looking forward to the festive season…… but no our emotions are funny things, and seem to have a mind of their own. There is a lot of pressure to enjoy Christmas but it can be a sad time for many people, but every advert and song seems to be cheerful and shows happy families enjoying time together, is this reality? Or just something we strive for? I did enjoy Christmas I sat back and relaxed, enjoyed the fact my kids where with me, enjoyed (don’t tell them this bit πŸ˜‚) playing board games with them (gets a little competitive). I enjoyed the fact that we didn’t have anything else to do or to be anywhere else than at home together. No Xbox friends, no FB messages just time together πŸ˜€ – and I will admit now that i am stronger that last year I wasn’t sure if I’d see this one – I took lots of pictures of how we decorated the house, I made everyone help last year, this way if I had not of been here this year, they could make it look the same if they wanted too. Sad as I think back, but my way of getting through Christmas 2016. 

It’s new years eve, the eve of new beginnings. I am feeling ok about this, in fact quite positive about 2018, I have many people rooting for me, and I feel it everyday, from work colleagues to old friends and some very new friends, I can’t express how knowing people care really helps in times of trouble – people genuinely caring, they may not know what to say but they are honest and tell you that they don’t. So in 2018 I will not be taking these friends for granted, I will be checking they are ok and telling them I love them. I will also be kind to myself – not in a selfish way but I will try not to worry so much, to relax more – exercise more, eat better πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I said I’d try …….. life is short and we all deserve to be happy. 

I am so proud of my children and how they are bouncing back from the horrors of 2017. It’s be tough on them and they have tried to carry on as normal, my returning to work is going to be hard for them as I will be shattered when I get in, but it’s such a positive sign too, the positive totally out way the negative ❀

Thank you all for supporting me in 2017, here’s to a happy & healthy 2018 to you all – much love, enjoy tonight and be safe xxxx

Less rocky road …..Β 

It’s been a while since my last blog, probably because I didn’t feel like I had much to say. Writing my blogs leave me feeling a few different emotions, it helps me understand what I am feeling/going through but it also makes me feel vulnerable, which is odd as I’ve chosen to write it – someone mentioned my blog to me yesterday and how although she isn’t on the same journey/rocky road as me, it rings many bells for her, and how it helped her realise a few things – no bigger complement πŸ˜€ so although I feel vulnerable because I am sharing my deep feelings, it is helping people so that makes it all worthwhile. I also don’t know what to say when people say they’ve read it, so if you’ve told me you’ve enjoyed it and I don’t say much it’s only because I am not sure how to react πŸ€”

I have had a few emotional weeks, many ups and many more downs, but this road is definitely getting less rocky……….

I completed the amazing moving forward course, I can genuinely say meeting people who know exactly how I feel has been invaluable, they have made my realise I am not going mad, I am not depressed – I am experiencing all the emotions I should be feeling. They have even given me the confidence to ditch “the wig” and hat’s!!! Thank you ladies you rock 😘 . It’s still not me, but my hair is growing back nice and thick with waves – my wonderful hairdresser is looking after the colour, and we are excited about experimenting as it grows.

I’ve returned to work on a phased return, I thought I would be fine, as my fatigue and energy was improving – well silly me, that was because I wasn’t doing a lot or concentrating on much. Last week after one day I was so tired I struggled most of the week, I felt really low and frustrated. I felt like I was only half a person at work and then half a person at home – not a nice feeling at all. I returned to work again on Friday for our Christmas meal in Nottingham and the lovely words, kind wishes and huge hugs, made me realise that work is the right place to be, but also that the team do understand and this has lifted me back up to “yes I can do this” !! And I will do it in time – a dear friend said that I should remember it’s taken nearly a year to beat cancer, and will possible take as long to feel physically and emotional better- I tell my friends to be kind to themselves I need to take my own advice! I need to make that my new years resolution- be kind to me and worry less. 

Christmas is around the corner, again more mixed feelings – it’s supposed to be a  happy time of year and I feel guilty that I don’t feel as happy as is expected, but there is the shadow of this time last year! Oh yes and I cry at everything and anything now, so restraint is a new super power of mine πŸ˜‚

My next hospital appointment arrived today – my first routine mammogram. Not sure how I feel, it’s not till 26th January, think I’ve filed it away to the back of my mind as until writing this I had forgotten about it. I know when it comes round I will be nervous, but we will deal with that next year.

My friends and family continue to be an amazing support and I can’t thank them enough – love you all.

Road to recovery……

 I have started on my road to recovery…..however as my picture shows it’s not a nice straight road, it’s another twisty road with rocks along the way. Yes I am frustrated that I am not on the straight road, I also feel guilty that I am not up and running ie back to normal!

Back to normal ….. an expression we use quite a lot in life, (in fact as I type there’s an advert on tv talking about getting your kids back to normal )  but it is linked to strong feelings when you’ve gone through something like cancer – you are desperate to get back to normal as soon as possible. However on the moving forward course this week, we were faced with someone asking why do you want to get back to normal? We have been through a huge thing, do we really want to go back to the way we were? We are not the same people we were before, so why do we think that, that life would still be a good fit for us? A small question with a huge possibly life changing impact…….food for thought

During the course I was also made aware that the side effects from chemotherapy can last up to 2 years. This shocked me, as this means not only do I have to cope with the side effects from the tamoxifen but my aches and tingle plus fatigue could go on for 2 years. However at least now I am aware I will not be thinking it’s back πŸ˜€. And I’ll just need to develop some coping strategies.

The other ladies on the course are amazing, and supportive, they have given me the confidence to go without a hat or wig, I have a way to go, but I am doing it more. We have all had slightly different treatment/surgery because all treatment is designed accordingly to our cancer, as breast cancer is different for each of us. We are at different stages too, some have gone back to work, having this mix is great as there is someone who is feeling or has felt the same way as I am at the moment. We admitted we are living within a world of “worry” “fear” “anxiety” and “guilt” , we had a speaker who explained why we are living like this – often due to how we perceive how we should be, and also how others think we should be. She explained we need to start by looking after ourselves first – not about being selfish, but putting ourselves first. Also not to hide how we are, its ok if someone asks how we are, to reply with the truth (we tend to say we are fine – depending on who asks) people will not do a runner, and if they do, that’s their problem. Reassuring ourselves that we are ok and we love ourselves (this was difficult for some ladies, one due to the fact she has never loved herself, another due to not trusting her body now – especially her remaining breast, both i can relate to, to a certain extent). We need to be kinder to us, thinking about the psychological side affects of the treatment we have had, not just the physical ones. The emotions that the speaker raised were hard to deal with but those tears were needed to be shed, to help us move forward. 

Breast Institute appointmentΒ 

Friday saw me back at the breast institute, my appointment was with my surgeon/consultant (sometimes referred to as Dr Gorgeous – mainly by mum πŸ˜‰) unfortunately we had to wait an hour and half after my appointment time to see him.

He asked how my breasts have been and how I was getting on, clarifying that I’d finished chemo. I explained that my new breast was about a size smaller, but that I am unsure if I want to do anything about it now, feel like I’ve kind of been through enough lately πŸ˜‰. His response was to say “let’s have a look shall we” (so there I am boobs out again, hands on hips, as he studies his art work – think he is quite pleased with his handy work! More photos – he takes photos for a couple of reasons, 1. So he has a reference to how they are at this point, for tweaking purposes 2. For the album, this album is shown to women when choosing their surgery, so they can see how they may look. There is no way to identify they are mine )

He agrees that the new breast has settled down and needs filling, he explained that it can take a year for it to settle totally. I asked if I decided to wait, to have it tweaked would it be a problem to get it done, thankfully he said not at all, and it’s quite common for ladies to express that they’ve had enough and to wait. He briefly mentioned tattooing the nipple as will finish the job nicely, but we are going to wait. I have an appointment booked for March to agree for the tweaking to happen – 6 months and it’ll be spring πŸ˜€.

I asked the question, with the cancer I had and the treatment I received and still having what’s the likelihood of it returning – he didn’t really want to say, other than it’s quite low. He explained sometimes it comes back in the breast wall – which I hadn’t realised. But the tamoxifen should do it’s job and I need to have a glass half full, he was pretty positive but as I knew he wouldn’t put a figure on it, there’s no guarantee – with time, in his experience it gets easier and you think about it less. I will say I don’t think about it too much, not everyday, just when something doesn’t feel right, which I think is normal.

So I now have no more appointments for myself at a hospital until February when I have my yearly mammogram  (although I will be at the breast institute once a week in November attending the moving forward course) 

I am feeling better each day, my back will always feel numb and play me up, as I am sure where they took the lymph nodes will always feel funny. (I was writing a school note last week and my right boob was twitching away – very strange feeling) but it’s a small price to pay. 

I feel great today as completed a “memory walk” for the Alzheimer’s society this morning and I managed it well – although very tired now – but go me πŸ˜€