This week has hit me hard, I actually hadn’t thought about this week, maybe I had pushed it to the back of my mind. Instead I had been concentrating on the 24th September, planning how I was going to get through the week before and then the day. So up until this week arriving and remembering that Tuesday’s date was the last day she ever had at home, it hadn’t seemed to have entered my head.
Then I realised and remembered it all, all of this week a year ago, and the heartache it brought us. Up until tomorrow a year ago, we had hope, we had the promise of time, we had plans and things to achieve. Emelia had a bucket list, she had a smile and things to laugh about. She had her lego to complete, to learn needle felting and crocheting. The baking we had planned, the trips out, the campervan we were buying and trips we would take. We thought we had time, albeit maybe not a lot of time, but some quality time, even after the terminal diagnosis on the 2nd September we thought for a couple of days we had sometime, she wanted to make it to at least her birthday and then Christmas, although in true Emelia style, she didn’t want to die too close to Christmas and spoil it for everyone else!
Back to this time last year, I had swapped with Mark and come home, thinking they would both be back in a couple of days, still thinking its was swelling due to the proton beam radiotherapy. To be called early the next morning by Mark and told to come back in as the Dr wanted to talk to us all, was one of, if not the worst call I have ever received, I knew then it wasn’t good news. Next week, last year more tears than you can imagine were cried, the heartache of telling your baby girl she is wasn’t well enough to return home, a conversation you hope never to have, the decision we had to make for Emelia again you hope you never have to make for your daughter. Watching her in pain, the type of pain I can’t imagine, yet she didn’t really complain.
I have tried to carry-on working this week, who knows if that was the right thing. But I managed to do some work and had a structure to 3 days this week, maybe not quality work but better than nothing. If I’d thought about this week I may have booked leave and gone away in the motorhome, but I’ve learnt for next year. At least I have been able to sit in the garden and watch the birds, butterflies and dragonflies, this always brings comfort.
The next few weeks are going to be incredibly difficult for all who love Emelia,