As I lay here wondering why I am struggling to get up this morning, wondering why I feel emotional drained and on the edge, I stop myself as having a why isn’t going to change it, isn’t going to fix this. She isn’t here.
She isn’t here to see her friends graduate and go on to their next chapter, she would be so proud of them and pleased they are living live, but she isn’t here to tell them.
She isn’t here to see the lionesses win. The last football match we watched was the men’s euros in Manchester – we aren’t a football family, but Emelia liked sport and supported England at sport, she would have loved the womens euro especially the fact they won. She isn’t here to see the whole impact that win will have on the woman of her generation.
She isn’t here to see this season of Law and Order SUV, or the new fantastic beast film or the up coming return of Criminal Minds.
She isn’t here to see me capsize the kayak and Theo in the sea, to laugh at me and comfort Theo. To tell me off for going too quick with the tide, and then losing her sunglasses to the ocean.
She isn’t here to show off her paddle boarding skills and support me with my lack of skill.
So knowing exactly why I feel like I do today isn’t going to change her not being here. Instead of why, I will let the emotions sit with me today and be kind to me.
I hope she does see it, from wherever she is and that she laughs at me regularly. Keep sending me those signs – I get comfort from them Emelia xx