At the beginning of December, we drove home from somewhere in the dark, and the realisation that I didn’t actually go out after dark last year hit me, I didn’t see any lights last Christmas. Christmas passed me by, and I can’t actually remember what we did. It’s a strange feeling, another Christmas which Emelia isn’t here for.

So for Christmas 2022, we made the decision to go away, to leave the festivities behind, to find somewhere away from it all, and it was the right thing to do, Christmas passed us by like any other day when away. A walk around a nearby town, which was quiet but not deserted. With the birds and the river. We didn’t have a traditional Christmas dinner, we had a quiet peaceful day. Not having any memories attached to where we were possibly helped, but being in nature and surrounded by fields certainly did.

Today, New Year’s Eve has been the hardest day so far – I do remember that last New Year was tough, too.

I have struggled with another year starting without Emelia, with not enjoying anything, seeing no joy in things I have tried, I have bought a camera to take pictures of birds, but today I could not see the joy in that. I have spent time today acknowledging that there are times I don’t actually want to be here, that life with this pain is so hard, the hole in my heart physically hurts and I can’t/don’t want to carry on. But………

I am clearly stronger than I think. As I pulled myself off the sofa, put Spotify on loud and started to cook dinner for Mark coming home. Whilst cooking, 2 dear, dear friends messaged to ask if I was okay, and I was able to say no, but I will be. We had a chat about my yorkshire pud looking odd and burning food. They really helped me ❤ And I will be okay. If I look back on this time last year, I can see how far I have come. And I have some very special people in my life who love me – thank you xx