I feel empty. I feel exhausted. I am broken. Simple. I have wrapped presents for 1 child and they are sat under a small token tree, sat there shouting she isn’t here, and will not be here again. How am I going to make it through the next week?

Even strictly final made me sad, I don’t want to upset anyone, and it must be disappointing to be injured and need to bow out of the final, but broken heart? Really? Life or death situation? The rest of strictly did have me in tears as it was beautiful and Emelia wasn’t here to tell me to get a grip.

I had never noticed before, how Christmas is thrust on us, every advert, every game show, film they are all Christmas based and you must be happy and joyful. I fell into this trap every year, I worked hard to make Christmas special, if only I had known last year was her last one. She said she wanted to make one last birthday and Christmas. Sadly not to be……. I am not wanting to “do” Christmas this year. I have bought Tom gifts as seems unfair to take this away from him as well, but no big meal, can’t face sitting round the table with an empty chair. Going into town to buy gifts, as all I see are the things I would have bought for her. Christmas cards well, luckily only received 1 that didn’t mention Emelia and as it happened wished that 2022 would be better than 2021! Well what can I say, in 2021 Emelia was alive simple, I would give anything to have to isolate to protect her this Christmas/New Year, no new year will ever be better than 2021 (I know what they were trying to say, rather insensitively but they meant well).

I am not doing so good this weekend but tomorrow is Monday and a new week. Positive steps over the last few weeks….. I have seen a few friends, briefly in person and via video chat, I have put some plans in place to return to work in March. I know that’s what Emelia wanted, she wasn’t afraid to die, she was worried how we would go on without her. Such an empathic soul (misconseption as Autistic people can be empathic) . I have baked (Tom enjoyed) and started crocheting again.

I have had trouble sleeping, if you know me well, you will know I could have won gold in the Olympics for sleeping, so not sleeping is a new and scary thing for me to experience, but I gave in and spoke to my GP and now have something to help, actually having sleep has made a difference.

Still need to get through this week, hoping no one at the supermarket asks if we are ready etc, and just waiting for the holiday adverts to start ……….