Grief is more than ……

Today is a bad day, I feel lonely, its 8 weeks since she passed away, 8 weeks without hearing her, seeing her smile, without holding her. I ache to hold her one more time. I can’t understand why she had to go. Think Theo is starting to miss her too now, this is the longest he has gone without seeing her, he seems to be waiting for her.

I find sleeping hard, as soon as I try, my mind thinks of her and I can’t switch it off, my body physically aches as my head hits the pillow. As parents you have children and want to protect them, so it’s hard as parents to not be able to protect them when they need it the most.

Planning her funeral was the hardest thing, she didn’t like to talk about it, she hated fire any fire from candles to fireworks, but she also said she didn’t like the thought of being buried, nor buried under a tree (green burial) So we went for a cremation more because we kind of knew where she’d like to be scattered. Who knew choosing music could be so hard, it turned out that Emelia didn’t share her choice in music with friends, as she didn’t want to be judged. No parent should have to organise their child’s funeral – its the wrong order of things. But we did and i think we did her proud and wow the love for her is overwhelming she had such an affect on people which she never saw. She inspired so many people in her short time, she inspired me on a daily basis and I miss that about her, her continued support.

Its like a light has gone out in our lives, it feels like we will never find happiness in anything again. We know she wouldn’t want us to live like this, but at this time its so hard to just put one foot in front of the other.

I have so much love inside to give her, yet she isn’t here to give it to her, so I physically ache to share it with her again, so it’s painful. I constantly talk to her as I know she’d laugh at us and call me cringo, we scattered her in a beautiful place near water with lots of wildlife and a steam train, such a peaceful place, it’s comforting to know she would be happy there and that she loved being there, yet it was hard to leave her yet again, although not as hard as it was to leave her alone at the hospital after she had passed, I will never forget walking out of the ward without her.

6 thoughts on “Grief is more than ……

  1. Jo Ray

    I wish I could wave a magic wand and take all the pain away. It’s impossible to understand how you feel, even though you put it so eloquently, but I can only remind you that I’m here for you whenever you are ready to reach out, as are all your friends, I’m sure. You’re always in my thoughts. Huge love and hugs. Xx

    Reply
    1. Tracy

      There’s no words Adrienne of what you are going through it’s heartbreaking for you and your family
      I can’t begin to understand how you must be feeling sending you love hugs and strength xx

      Reply
  2. Amy

    So heartbreaking for reading but you know your not alone.. I can’t imagine your pain xx I wish your aches would subside.. I think of you .. I may not have known your daughter but knowing you and the love inside.. she’s in your soul and remains in your heart .. just talk to her xxx she’s listening

    Reply
  3. Ann Belcher

    Hey Adrienne think of you all nearly everyday. Can’t begin to imagine how it is missing your beautiful baby, you are a fantastic mum to Emelia & Tom and I’m sure couldn’t have done more for Emelia and as you said so well we can’t prevent / protect our children from everything as much as we ache to do. If it helps you to share here then go for it girl your friends are here to listen and when you want to talk, walk, sip coffee or whatever call out ! Looking forward to seeing you again in the future lovely lady Xxxx Ann

    Reply
  4. Lynda palin

    Ady you are so brave posting things. And expressing how you feel. I think it will help other people in your situation. Also other people who think there life isn’t so good. It has put my problems into perspective and helped me. So thank you for that. Take care lovely lady and I think of you daily. Xx

    Reply

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