It’s been a while since my last blog, probably because I didn’t feel like I had much to say. Writing my blogs leave me feeling a few different emotions, it helps me understand what I am feeling/going through but it also makes me feel vulnerable, which is odd as I’ve chosen to write it – someone mentioned my blog to me yesterday and how although she isn’t on the same journey/rocky road as me, it rings many bells for her, and how it helped her realise a few things – no bigger complement 😀 so although I feel vulnerable because I am sharing my deep feelings, it is helping people so that makes it all worthwhile. I also don’t know what to say when people say they’ve read it, so if you’ve told me you’ve enjoyed it and I don’t say much it’s only because I am not sure how to react 🤔
I have had a few emotional weeks, many ups and many more downs, but this road is definitely getting less rocky……….
I completed the amazing moving forward course, I can genuinely say meeting people who know exactly how I feel has been invaluable, they have made my realise I am not going mad, I am not depressed – I am experiencing all the emotions I should be feeling. They have even given me the confidence to ditch “the wig” and hat’s!!! Thank you ladies you rock 😘 . It’s still not me, but my hair is growing back nice and thick with waves – my wonderful hairdresser is looking after the colour, and we are excited about experimenting as it grows.
I’ve returned to work on a phased return, I thought I would be fine, as my fatigue and energy was improving – well silly me, that was because I wasn’t doing a lot or concentrating on much. Last week after one day I was so tired I struggled most of the week, I felt really low and frustrated. I felt like I was only half a person at work and then half a person at home – not a nice feeling at all. I returned to work again on Friday for our Christmas meal in Nottingham and the lovely words, kind wishes and huge hugs, made me realise that work is the right place to be, but also that the team do understand and this has lifted me back up to “yes I can do this” !! And I will do it in time – a dear friend said that I should remember it’s taken nearly a year to beat cancer, and will possible take as long to feel physically and emotional better- I tell my friends to be kind to themselves I need to take my own advice! I need to make that my new years resolution- be kind to me and worry less.
Christmas is around the corner, again more mixed feelings – it’s supposed to be a happy time of year and I feel guilty that I don’t feel as happy as is expected, but there is the shadow of this time last year! Oh yes and I cry at everything and anything now, so restraint is a new super power of mine 😂
My next hospital appointment arrived today – my first routine mammogram. Not sure how I feel, it’s not till 26th January, think I’ve filed it away to the back of my mind as until writing this I had forgotten about it. I know when it comes round I will be nervous, but we will deal with that next year.
My friends and family continue to be an amazing support and I can’t thank them enough – love you all.