I have started on my road to recovery…..however as my picture shows it’s not a nice straight road, it’s another twisty road with rocks along the way. Yes I am frustrated that I am not on the straight road, I also feel guilty that I am not up and running ie back to normal!
Back to normal ….. an expression we use quite a lot in life, (in fact as I type there’s an advert on tv talking about getting your kids back to normal ) but it is linked to strong feelings when you’ve gone through something like cancer – you are desperate to get back to normal as soon as possible. However on the moving forward course this week, we were faced with someone asking why do you want to get back to normal? We have been through a huge thing, do we really want to go back to the way we were? We are not the same people we were before, so why do we think that, that life would still be a good fit for us? A small question with a huge possibly life changing impact…….food for thought
During the course I was also made aware that the side effects from chemotherapy can last up to 2 years. This shocked me, as this means not only do I have to cope with the side effects from the tamoxifen but my aches and tingle plus fatigue could go on for 2 years. However at least now I am aware I will not be thinking it’s back 😀. And I’ll just need to develop some coping strategies.
The other ladies on the course are amazing, and supportive, they have given me the confidence to go without a hat or wig, I have a way to go, but I am doing it more. We have all had slightly different treatment/surgery because all treatment is designed accordingly to our cancer, as breast cancer is different for each of us. We are at different stages too, some have gone back to work, having this mix is great as there is someone who is feeling or has felt the same way as I am at the moment. We admitted we are living within a world of “worry” “fear” “anxiety” and “guilt” , we had a speaker who explained why we are living like this – often due to how we perceive how we should be, and also how others think we should be. She explained we need to start by looking after ourselves first – not about being selfish, but putting ourselves first. Also not to hide how we are, its ok if someone asks how we are, to reply with the truth (we tend to say we are fine – depending on who asks) people will not do a runner, and if they do, that’s their problem. Reassuring ourselves that we are ok and we love ourselves (this was difficult for some ladies, one due to the fact she has never loved herself, another due to not trusting her body now – especially her remaining breast, both i can relate to, to a certain extent). We need to be kinder to us, thinking about the psychological side affects of the treatment we have had, not just the physical ones. The emotions that the speaker raised were hard to deal with but those tears were needed to be shed, to help us move forward.