I feel my rocky road has now become a roller coaster and I would now like to get off, enough is enough.

Yes I chose to have my latest operation but I have struggled with this decision as it was another general anaesthetic and time off work, not to mention the pain and knocking me back physically again. Why do it, it’s only a boob – cosmetic am I that vain ? But it goes deeper than that it’s about confidence and feeling womanly. I am aware my family have struggled to understand my need to have a go at making my pretend boob fuller and a better shape, and I am sorry to have put them through it, but so far the results have been worth it. I had liposuction from my lower tummy (unfortunately not enough to make me a size smaller 😕) they then do something with the fat which makes it softer the put it into the boob, I have bruises on bruises, the pain wasn’t as bad as I had expected but still very uncomfortable. They still had issues trying to get a cannula in – the thumb was used, after suggesting the foot!! Chemo still giving…….

Today I have attended the colposcopy clinic as my smear results were abnormal, I waited 14 weeks for these results. So today I went and yep he was surprised at what he found, his words “Well I wasn’t expecting that” . My cervix doesn’t look how it should, it’s covered in a white fluff, he said polyp like, oh great this is me – doesn’t surprise me! He says he would like to perform a loop excision biopsy, this is where they use an electric current to remove abnormal tissue, a local anaesthetic was used to numb my cervix, he then removed the tissue using a wire loop. The smell was awful, burning tissue but apart from that and it being uncomfortable I was ok. The nursing staff were amazing very calming. The consultant explained that he thinks its my bodies reaction to tamoxifen, he doesn’t think it’s cancer, but could have become if left or just spread, he is sending a biopsy off – so now the wait begins, possibly 4 weeks. “Cancer the gift that keeps on giving”, as someone said, yep please stop giving I’ve had enough. My family need me now so just do one …… stop this roller coaster I want to get off! I feel quite low and tearful it sometimes just gets too much and my positivity takes a knock.

Tomorrow is another day