A simple quote but not easy to do, since cancer and treatment, I have said before you spend so much time analysing every ache and pain “has it returned?” I feel silly, I feel paranoid, and at times I just feel stark raving bonkers – but on a positive day I can cope well and my brain will play ball and tell me everything is just fine.
In some ways it seems harder now that treatment (well treatment that we talk about) is over – chemo done, hair lost and re-growing, not to mention the surgery to cut the cancer out and re-build my body, its the hidden disease again. I am trying to get a “new” normal life – all the leaflets/books talk about a “new” normal, but do I want a “new” normal, how am I meant to actually like my “new” normal? Yes my hair is growing back, but I still struggle with it, actually let’s be honest I hate it, I want my long hair back! I have gained weight from the hormone tablets, I ache because of these tablets too. Not to mention the IBS 😔. Fatigue I will say no more than wow it still hits me, my immune system is still low – I know it is as I have things to deal with due to this. I have dry skin/itchy legs, hands and feet/veins are still sore, my operation site goes from numb to painful regularly. Armpit where lymph nodes removed, can still have sharp pains. Is this my “new” normal?
Its certainly not all bad, in fact its really okay on the whole, I have more good days than bad. The other Sunday was an excellent day – armed with new comfy bras that make my boobs look normal/back to being my boobs. A hair band which I actually liked, wow how good did I feel 😊
I have just had a week away – it was just the job, we hired a house and I relaxed, I also did more excerise- I got back on a bike, which I haven’t done since my operation, and we walked. It was/is hard going away, leaving my comfort zone of home, its strange how I now view things differently and how my confidence has been knocked. But home is safe and looked after me whilst I was ill.
I have also had a huge change at work – I call it huge, 18 months ago I would have taken it in my stride, but now its huge. I have moved office and area, not new colleagues, ones I have been working with. New clinics and cafes though, its seems that since cancer things that I could cope with well before, are now a huge issue, is this just me or is it just a coping mechanism? I hear people say they are more relaxed after a cancer diagnosis but i feel more tightly sprung, maybe with time I’ll relax?? I also had my first week of 5 mornings of getting up for work for 16 months, oh dear it was hard, by friday night i was ill – sick and had to go to bed, Saturday I did nothing. Hopefully this will ease with time, I have been back at work 5 months and it’s got easier with each month, but I have had to be careful not to over do it at home too.