A year on …..

A year on from my operation – I really can not believe it’s a year since my body changed, I am still not used to it – I had 45 years to get used to how it was before and just a year to start to come to terms with it now. I think I am getting used to it slowly…… on a good day. That is visually speaking, although new boob needs some tweaking, I am booked in for the nipple to be tattooed and to see consultant about filling it out a bit. Once these are done I am sure I’ll be so much happier with my new shape. It’s the feel of my new body that I am struggling to get used to, the pull in the back which seems to be 24/7. The itch in the new breast that needs scratching via the back. The pain in my armpit where my lymph nodes used to be – even a year on. The ache in both arms, one seems to be due to my vains still being sore after chemo and the other I am not sure. And not forgetting fatigue wow how that can floor me 🤔

The physical sign of cancer treatment I can cope with, it’s just niggles and that’s fine cos I am here over a year later, back at work and starting to live life again. It’s the psychological side that’s so very very hard, the mixture of I should be jumping around and running marathons (me run any where is too laughable) I am in-remission, I am wellish and the guilt that some days I am not happy, I am consumed by worry and insecurities that I never felt before. Every ache or pain, new or old is scrutinised the what ifs, is it back. Is that a sign of secondary cancer? And around it goes, I have even had thoughts my tamoxifen isn’t working, I have no side effects my periods have returned, does this mean tamoxifen isn’t doing what it should – keeping cancer at bay. I know on a good day all these thoughts are normal but also not actually right, on a good day I know I am just lucky that tamoxifen hasn’t given me any side effects, and my aches are normal everyday aches after the year my bodies been through. Some times I need to hear that from ladies who have also been there – I never thought that I would need that kind of support, but having met these inspiring ladies and leaning on them, I understand the power of shared experiences – we need to remember we are never alone, there is always someone out there that understands and wants to help 😀

3 thoughts on “A year on …..

  1. Tracy

    How you out your feelings into words Adrienne is wonderful our paths have crossed for a reason might not be the way we would have wanted it to be but so good that we have our FB Boobateers to help and support each other during our dark days xxxxx

    Reply

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