A year on from my operation – I really can not believe it’s a year since my body changed, I am still not used to it – I had 45 years to get used to how it was before and just a year to start to come to terms with it now. I think I am getting used to it slowly…… on a good day. That is visually speaking, although new boob needs some tweaking, I am booked in for the nipple to be tattooed and to see consultant about filling it out a bit. Once these are done I am sure I’ll be so much happier with my new shape. It’s the feel of my new body that I am struggling to get used to, the pull in the back which seems to be 24/7. The itch in the new breast that needs scratching via the back. The pain in my armpit where my lymph nodes used to be – even a year on. The ache in both arms, one seems to be due to my vains still being sore after chemo and the other I am not sure. And not forgetting fatigue wow how that can floor me 🤔

The physical sign of cancer treatment I can cope with, it’s just niggles and that’s fine cos I am here over a year later, back at work and starting to live life again. It’s the psychological side that’s so very very hard, the mixture of I should be jumping around and running marathons (me run any where is too laughable) I am in-remission, I am wellish and the guilt that some days I am not happy, I am consumed by worry and insecurities that I never felt before. Every ache or pain, new or old is scrutinised the what ifs, is it back. Is that a sign of secondary cancer? And around it goes, I have even had thoughts my tamoxifen isn’t working, I have no side effects my periods have returned, does this mean tamoxifen isn’t doing what it should – keeping cancer at bay. I know on a good day all these thoughts are normal but also not actually right, on a good day I know I am just lucky that tamoxifen hasn’t given me any side effects, and my aches are normal everyday aches after the year my bodies been through. Some times I need to hear that from ladies who have also been there – I never thought that I would need that kind of support, but having met these inspiring ladies and leaning on them, I understand the power of shared experiences – we need to remember we are never alone, there is always someone out there that understands and wants to help 😀