I feel like I am living between 2 worlds, 1 world has Emelia in, and the other world doesn’t. I can’t live in the world with Emelia as she isn’t here, and I DON’T want to live in the other world as that’s accepting she has gone, and I can’t accept that. It’s a strange feeling living between 2 worlds feeling like you don’t fit into either. However, I do my best. I have had small wins in my world with work, I am back to driving to Nottingham and facilitating a group face to face, the drive last week was tough as 2 years ago that day we drove Emelia to the hospital in Nottingham and she never came home. But I did it, and the group went really well.

September has loomed for a while like a black cloud in front of us. September is the month as parents we heard the hardest words “there’s nothing more we can do other than make Emelia as comfortable as possible ” ” she may have a couple of months or it could be weeks”.

That heavy black cloud now looms over me, weighing down on me, it’s an intense sadness.

We heard those words on the 2nd of September. The start of 3 weeks of hell, watch our baby go from being bossy to bring in a coma. This year, I arranged to see a friend to hopefully take my mind away from the hideous memories. But after pushing through for work, my body decided differently, and I had a 2 day headache instead. I slept a lot, which may be is a blessing.

The next few weeks, Emelia will be more on my mind, I am sure, as I remember the struggle Emelia had, it was tough to watch, so I’m not sure how she kept her thumbs up. At one point, after a seizure, she held me and said I love you, I think this is the end, mum. I feel funny please tell everyone I love them. It wasn’t the end she had 2 more weeks.

October comes after September, and it’s Tom’s 21st birthday. That’s going to be a tough birthday for him, as it was the last one Emelia had, I see he is living life fast, I think he may wonder if he will get past 21. It’s hard to celebrate anything as there is always someone missing. But I know he deserves to celebrate, so I will try to make it special. I work hard not to pressurise him as i know he has a tough role, we have a huge hole in our family now, and he doesn’t need to feel like he should fill it. I know he does make more effort when he can with grandparents.

November, it’s Emelia’s birthday month, at least it’s at the beginning. But then Christmas will have started, in the shops, people being jolly and having happy family time.

I will keep going one foot in front of the other, plodding or wading through treacle, but going forward even though I want to shout ………..

Wake me up after New Year