I realise everyone has a right to be happy and my pain isn’t felt by anyone else. I also want people to be happy and live a full and healthy life, but it has all opened up some old wounds.

When I was poorly my dad got in touch and we exchanged emails, trying to build bridges, but then I got well again and he stopped contact, refused to meet up, even started to bad mouth my mum again. I settled to the fact that he wasn’t going to be in my life yet again. I don’t talk about it much maybe because for many years I thought I had perhaps done something wrong, for him not to want to know me since I was 16, but no it just confirmed it was something to do with him. I told him in one email that I didn’t just lose him I lost the whole side of his family, in some ways that was harder to deal with. Luckily I am in touch with a few aunts, uncles and cousins and i don’t want that to change or upset them (but I need to say this) in turn so did my children, Emelia missed out too. She wasn’t treated as her cousin is. I will say Emelia was adamant she didn’t want to know him, couldn’t forgive him (she was loyally stubborn). I also want to say he used to bad mouth my mum, saying she wasn’t honest, plus lots of nasty words, yet mum never did the same. I don’t understand why he never wanted to meet my beautiful, amazing daughter- his loss.

So why am I writing about this briefly now? I have always remained quiet not said anything against a man, who calls himself my dad yet denies me. Its because as a parent I could never understand how you could go through life denying that you have a daughter, and her children? Yet happily spend time with your son and his daughtet. I would give anything to have my baby here to hold and love her. Oh and the fact he is having a splendid time skiing and enjoying life, like nothing has changed, which makes me sad and angry all over again (and yes a little bitter) But I can’t express this in case I upset people, however I am not bottling it up anymore, people who know me well, will know the hurt he has/still causes me.

There i have written it, but am I brave enough to post it? I feel better for writing it, and that’s the main thing – no more hate i am moving on, its more painful to live without my daughter.