I realise everyone has a right to be happy and my pain isn’t felt by anyone else. I also want people to be happy and live a full and healthy life, but it has all opened up some old wounds.
When I was poorly my dad got in touch and we exchanged emails, trying to build bridges, but then I got well again and he stopped contact, refused to meet up, even started to bad mouth my mum again. I settled to the fact that he wasn’t going to be in my life yet again. I don’t talk about it much maybe because for many years I thought I had perhaps done something wrong, for him not to want to know me since I was 16, but no it just confirmed it was something to do with him. I told him in one email that I didn’t just lose him I lost the whole side of his family, in some ways that was harder to deal with. Luckily I am in touch with a few aunts, uncles and cousins and i don’t want that to change or upset them (but I need to say this) in turn so did my children, Emelia missed out too. She wasn’t treated as her cousin is. I will say Emelia was adamant she didn’t want to know him, couldn’t forgive him (she was loyally stubborn). I also want to say he used to bad mouth my mum, saying she wasn’t honest, plus lots of nasty words, yet mum never did the same. I don’t understand why he never wanted to meet my beautiful, amazing daughter- his loss.
So why am I writing about this briefly now? I have always remained quiet not said anything against a man, who calls himself my dad yet denies me. Its because as a parent I could never understand how you could go through life denying that you have a daughter, and her children? Yet happily spend time with your son and his daughtet. I would give anything to have my baby here to hold and love her. Oh and the fact he is having a splendid time skiing and enjoying life, like nothing has changed, which makes me sad and angry all over again (and yes a little bitter) But I can’t express this in case I upset people, however I am not bottling it up anymore, people who know me well, will know the hurt he has/still causes me.
There i have written it, but am I brave enough to post it? I feel better for writing it, and that’s the main thing – no more hate i am moving on, its more painful to live without my daughter.
I never realised you blamed yourself in any way. Your father could not deal with the narcissistic wound of being rejected. He could not accept his part in the breakup and unfairly blamed your Mum for everything.
His behaviour was immature and disgusting towards you.
It was not your fault!! Xxx